Quit smirking, perverts. I'm here to offer my services as a mouse psycologist.
As a senior reasearch fellow at the BIG CAT Institute for the past 7 years, I have had the opportunity to treat mice from all walks of life and social strata. Now that I'm going solo, I'm confident I can provide an unmatched level of personalized care for you and your screwed up mouse. Just ask hopscotch!
So without further ado, let the questioning begin.
Oh, forgot one thing...
ADVICE: 5 cents
There, that looks more professional...
PBE6, B.M.P, M.M.P, Ph.D(M.P)
Mouse Psychologist
Originally posted by PBE6*pays his 5c
Quit smirking, perverts. I'm here to offer my services as a mouse psycologist.
As a senior reasearch fellow at the BIG CAT Institute for the past 7 years, I have had the opportunity to treat mice from all walks of life and social strata. ...[text shortened]...
[b]ADVICE: 5 cents
There, that looks more professional...[/b]
my mouse doesn`t go all the way across the screen... it seems to stop half way and then jump across... whats his problem? Is he sick? Cause i`m really attached to my mouse and I don`t really want to get a new one.
Thanks
Originally posted by chakan*eats 5 cents*
*pays his 5c
my mouse doesn`t go all the way across the screen... it seems to stop half way and then jump across... whats his problem? Is he sick? Cause i`m really attached to my mouse and I don`t really want to get a new one.
Thanks
How old is your mouse? How do you feel about not making it all the way across the screen? How does your mouse feel about not making it all the way across the screen? Did you ever criticize it in public for not making it all the way across the screen? Do you tell it you love it no matter how far across the screen it goes? Do you ever touch your mouse inappropriately? Do you ever try to "push its buttons" to see what kind of reaction you can get?
That will be another 5 cents.
NEXT!
Originally posted by maybeONEday*eats 5 cents*
Well, see, I adopted the poor thing. I picked it up off the streets.
I'm just worried it was abused when it was young.
Did you wash your hands after you touched it? I'm a mouse psychologist, not a sanitary worker.
Give your mouse these, these, these and these, and this once every 5 hours, and this once every two weeks. If that doesn't help, continue the medication schedule but pay me another 5 cents.
That will be another 5 cents.
NEXT!
EDIT - startling new medical breakthrough just came down the wire. How's that for service?!?
Originally posted by PBE6*pays another 5c
*eats 5 cents*
How old is your mouse? How do you feel about not making it all the way across the screen? How does your mouse feel about not making it all the way across the screen? Did you ever criticize it in public for not making it all the way across the screen? Do you tell it you love it no matter how far across the screen it goes? Do you ever ...[text shortened]... ts buttons" to see what kind of reaction you can get?
That will be another 5 cents.
NEXT!
How old is your mouse?
my mouse is 2 yrs young.
How do you feel about not making it all the way across the screen?
I feel okay about it but I know that all the others mice in the office are snickering and I feel bad for my mouse... I try to encourge him to try a bit harder but not in a pushy way.
How does your mouse feel about not making it all the way across the screen?
He tries I know he does, and he doesn`t like the other mice. I think he has "performance issues".
Do you tell it you love it no matter how far across the screen it goes?
Always my mouse is best friend!
Do you ever touch your mouse inappropriately?
I don`t think so I usually give him a good clean on the outside... do you think it inappropriate to clean the inside?
Do you ever try to "push its buttons" to see what kind of reaction you can get?
My mouse likes his buttons pushed he said so...!
do you think he could be hlying to protect me? to not hurt my feelings?
Thanks
Originally posted by PBE6*pays 5 cents*
Quit smirking, perverts. I'm here to offer my services as a mouse psycologist.
As a senior reasearch fellow at the BIG CAT Institute for the past 7 years, I have had the opportunity to treat mice from all walks of life and social strata. Now that I'm going solo, I'm confident I can provide an unmatched level of personalized care for you and your screwed ...[text shortened]...
There, that looks more professional...
PBE6, B.M.P, M.M.P, Ph.D(M.P)
Mouse Psychologist
My mouse has a bright red luminous nose between it's two buttons. This has led me to believe that my mouse may have an alcohol problem, and that he is getting his alcohol through a silvery straw which runs from my mouse around the back of my computer. I am unsure on what action I should take... can you help?!
How old is your mouse?
my mouse is 2 yrs young.
I see.
How do you feel about not making it all the way across the screen?
I feel okay about it but I know that all the others mice in the office are snickering and I feel bad for my mouse... I try to encourge him to try a bit harder but not in a pushy way.
I see.
How does your mouse feel about not making it all the way across the screen?
He tries I know he does, and he doesn`t like the other mice. I think he has "performance issues".
No, this is a misdiagnonsis based on anecdotal evidence. Your mouse is probably mentally retarded somehow, but we'll get to that soon enough.
Do you tell it you love it no matter how far across the screen it goes?
Always my mouse is best friend!
Excellent! You should get out more.
Do you ever touch your mouse inappropriately?
I don`t think so I usually give him a good clean on the outside... do you think it inappropriate to clean the inside?
Close enough.
Do you ever try to "push its buttons" to see what kind of reaction you can get?
My mouse likes his buttons pushed he said so...!
do you think he could be lying to protect me? to not hurt my feelings?
Obvious passive-aggressive tendancies exhibited here, by both you and your mouse. Sleeping together will relieve the tension.
That will be another 5 cents.
NEXT!
Originally posted by welsharnieOK, obviously a lot of these problems are stemming from a complete lack of awareness of basic mouse mental health issues. People, a silver straw indicates cocaince use, not alcohol use. Same with rolled up $50 bills, razor blades and compact mirror sets. The redness is probably the result of blood collecting in the space where the mouse's septum used to be.
*pays 5 cents*
My mouse has a bright red luminous nose between it's two buttons. This has led me to believe that my mouse may have an alcohol problem, and that he is getting his alcohol through a silvery straw which runs from my mouse around the back of my computer. I am unsure on what action I should take... can you help?!
Schedule an intervention. Soon. Godspeed.
That will be another 5 cents.
NEXT!
*insert a nickel*
I have a big problem with my mouse. It seems there was an incident involving a co-worker with a serious head injury after my mouse attacked him without provokation. I tried to restrain the mouse by tightly holding the wire while twirling him about, but that didn't prevent him from viciously bonking my co-worker on the noggin.
I've since locked him in a drawer and am using a less violent mouse.
Do you think he can be helped?
Originally posted by RookRAK*eats nickel*
*insert a nickel*
I have a big problem with my mouse. It seems there was an incident involving a co-worker with a serious head injury after my mouse attacked him without provokation. I tried to restrain the mouse by tightly holding the wire while twirling him about, but that didn't prevent him from viciously bonking my co-worker on the noggin.
I've ...[text shortened]... nce locked him in a drawer and am using a less violent mouse.
Do you think he can be helped?
Yes! He can be helped! A startling new medical breakthrough has revolutionized the way we care for criminally insane pets like yours. We used to lock them in a rubber room, but with this breakthrough we can now bring the rubber room to your mouse!
The first step is to simply cover your mouse with glue. Any sort of glue will do, but Krazy Glue will result in a longer lasting treatment, and the fumes can be a source of light entertainment for the evening.
Next, cover your gluey mouse with a thick coating of neoprene rubber. The more your mouse looks like a rubber bowling ball, the better. Remember to cut holes for the eyes/buttons and tail/cord!
Your mouse is now ready to re-enter society. Don't believe me? C'mon, give him a swing! That nasty "THUD!" has been replaced with a cute little "BOING!". See? BOING! BOING! HEE HEE HEE!!! BOING! HEE HEE HEE!!! Ahem.
And the world is safe once again.
That will be another 5 cents.
NEXT!