jokes

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

HER FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR. SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!!? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation.....she never got your E-mail!"

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy “half a head of lettuce”.

The boy working in that department told him that they “only sold whole heads of lettuce”.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier,

we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"Australia, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Australia ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from Australia!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Whom did she play for?"

Originally posted by ChessPraxis
Shhhh...I'm trying to piss off Trev. 😕

😛

What do you call an Irish window fitter ?...Paddy Odoors
Two Scottish gays ... Ben Doon and Phil Macavity

Two alsation dogs sat in the vets , one dog with his head in his paws howling and crying the second dog says " whats up mate ?" the first dog replies " well I was sat outside the bathroom in my basket when the lady of the house came out the bathroom and dropped her towel, when she bent over to pick it up I just couldn't help myself !...alas , the owner came home caught me and sent me here to be put down "
That's funny ,said the first dog the very same thing happened to me "
"Oh ,and what time are you getting put down then ?"replied the second dog
"I'm not .. just come in to get my nails clipped "...replied the first dog

1960's hippy walking down the road when he stepped on a plastic bottle .
To his surprise a genie popped out the bottle .." I am the genie of the bottle and I grant you one wish" said the genie.
The hippy replied.. " I wanna be up tight, outasight , and in the groove man " the genie replied "your wish is my command, and turned the hippy into a tampax...........

This is ancient, but for anyone who has children that are still young enough and haven't heard it yet, here goes:

What nationality is Santa Claus?
































wait for it































come on now, this really is too easy




























North Polish, of course

My uncle died the other day ,he worked as a postman all his life .
We buried him in the top right hand corner of the plot .

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rib steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

A wife tries to teach the dog to sit up. After a few fails her husband tells:
- Darling, forget it, you won't succeed...
- Don't worry - replies his wife - in the begining it was difficult with you as well.

Quasimodo was up his bell tower ringing the bells when a young lad appeared and asked him .."Quasi, can you teach me to ring the bells like you do ?"

A man was walking down the road with a penguin when a policeman saw them and approached the man.
"Take that penguin to the zoo."
"Do I have to?"
"Take that penguin to the zoo now!"
"Oh all right then".
So the man and the penguin head off to the zoo.
The next day the policeman sees the man and the penguin going down the same road again and gets very cross.
"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
"I did. Yesterday we went to the zoo, today we're going to the cinema.

A man went into a bank and asked the clerk if he could withdraw some money.
"Can you identify yourself," said the clerk.
The man reached into his pocket, pulled out a mirror, looked into it, and said,
"Yes, that's definitely me."

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, So he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"