Jokes

If April showers bring May flowers what to May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.🤔😲

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

@the-gravedigger said
When I was on the London underground there was a sign next to the escalator saying dogs must be carried. I thought to myself what if you don't have a dog.

@the-gravedigger said
When I was on the London underground there was a sign next to the escalator saying dogs must be carried. I thought to myself what if you don't have a dog.

A policeman came up to me yesterday and said 'I am looking for a man with one eye.'
I said 'You will find him faster if you use both eyes.'

Vegan: "That chicken you're eating had a family!
What have you got to say for yourself?!"
Me: "That's why I ordered a family bucket!
No-one gets left behind!"

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-10), there are five criteria for confirming a diagnosis of dyscalculia. I fulfil seven of them.

.

Why do dogs lick your nose?

Because they know you won't get on all 4's and pull your pants down.

W: Honey, Im going out for a few hours. Do you need anything?

H: Thats all I need. Thanks.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

To be frank I’d have to change my name.

One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it.

It's the elephant in the womb.

How do you make Budweiser?

Send him to school.