Jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

This is a better one don't worry...


Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says:

"By yumpin' yiminy , dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."


VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!


Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole, Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."


BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!


Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie- jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting ... and now Lars, hen-gliding ."


Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

Originally posted by CreepySlash
This is a better one don't worry...


Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Ole a ...[text shortened]... ing ... and now Lars, hen-gliding ."


Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

Fine here's another one...

One therapist asks another therapist, "What time is it?" The other one responds, "Sorry, I don't know. I don’t have a watch." The first therapist replies, "That’s not a problem. The important thing is that we talked about it."

There!

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.

That's weird,but I have more...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute. 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!'

a man was so well endowed it was bothering his knee for some unknown reason.Three doctors and a nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
"we could just take a big hunk off the end" the first doctor said.
After some discussion they decided it'd effect his sensitivity so they abandoned that plan.
The second doc piped up ."we could take a big hunk out of the middle of it".
Once more they discussed it for a while but decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said "we'll just take a big hunk off the base of it.That'll sort him out".
They discussed it and said it would give him erection problems, so they kyboshed that idea.
The doctors suddenly heard a sob and looked at the nurse who,with tears running down her cheeks, cried "can't we just make his legs longer?"

Here's yet another...

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car

I have an idea-Let's see who can out-joke the other first...

Originally posted by TheGambit
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.

I've decided to post yet another joke,I'm waiting for Boarman after this one...

Three strings wanted to go to a restaraunt for supper. The first string went in and the waiter asked, "Are you a string?" The string said, "Yes." So the waiter said, "I'm sorry. We don't serve strings."

The second string came in and the waiter asked, "Are you a string?" The string said, "Yes." So the waiter said "I'm sorry. We don't serve strings."

The third string tied himself in a knot and frayed the ends. He walked into the restaraunt and the waiter looked him up and down, "Are you a string?" The string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."

Originally posted by CreepySlash
I have an idea-Let's see who can out-joke the other first...

Here's my next one...

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. One of them yells, "Wow, it sure is hot in here!" And the other muffin replies, "Goodness gracious: a talking muffin!"

I'll never run out of jokes...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Two birds on a perch, one turns to the other and asks "can you smell fish?"

Originally posted by CreepySlash
Here's my next one...

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. One of them yells, "Wow, it sure is hot in here!" And the other muffin replies, "Goodness gracious: a talking muffin!"

I'll never run out of jokes...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!