Jokes

this has been done elsewhere, but anyway:

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
people.""

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Now Creepy strikes again...

One day two people got married and drove away in a carriage pulled by a mule.While they were riding off to there honey moon the mule suddenly stopped.The man got out looked at the mule & said,"That's one!"

So they started again,but a little while later the mule stopped again.The man got out & said"That's two!"

Again they got going,but(you guessed it!) the mule stopped again.The man got out & said,"That's three!" He then grabbed his shotgun & shot the mule dead.

He got back in the carriage & his new bride said,"What on earth did you do that for!"

At this the man looked at her & said,"That's one!"

Since no one has posted for so long here are some Chuck Norris ones...


When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
• When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
• Chuck Norris can jump the grand canyon – with his arms and legs tied behind his back.

Originally posted by CreepySlash
Now Creepy strikes again...

One day two people got married and drove away in a carriage pulled by a mule.While they were riding off to there honey moon the mule suddenly stopped.The man got out looked at the mule & said,"That's one!"

So they started again,but a little while later the mule stopped again.The man got out & said"That's two!"

Again t ...[text shortened]... earth did you do that for!"

At this the man looked at her & said,"That's one!"

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to
look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt." "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this
looks like yours!"

Want another one...

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet for a walk in the park. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go for a walk in the park?" There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going for a walk in the park?" Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey in there: would you like to go for a walk in the park?" Finally, a tiny voice came back, ""I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

probably have heard something similar to this:

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

"Just where the hell do you think you're going!", said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the hell are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

Another from Creepy...

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Originally posted by CreepySlash
Want another one...

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and ...[text shortened]... a tiny voice came back, ""I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

Originally posted by demonseed
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

As we mourn the passing of this joke let us bear in mind that it led a life of vacuity spurred on by the innate vacuity of its progenitor etc

I won't be putting anymore jokes on for a while I'll let you guys put on the jokes.

Careers teacher at a Taliban school says, to a student leaving that year, "So, what do you want to be when you blow up?"

A mans waiting for his wife to give birth and the doctor tells him his son was born without a torso arm or legs-just a head!
Despite the severe handicap the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can.
On his sons 18th birthday the proud dad takes him to the pub,props the head on the bar and tearfully buys him a beer with a straw in it.
With the other patrons looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head,the boy takes a sip of beer.
BANG! a torso pops out from the boys neck!
The patrons start cheering and the father,shocked ,begs the boy to take another sip,which he does.
BANG two arms pop out of the torso. The bar goes wildThe father begs his son to drink again.
The patrons start chanting "take another drink" while the barman looks on quietly still shaking his head.
By now ,the sons getting a bit tipsy.With his new hands he reaches down,grabs the glass and drains the glass.
BANG two legs pop out of his torso.
The pubs in chaos.The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks god.
The son stands on his two new legs and stumbles to the left,then to the right.
He staggers out the front door and into the street,where a passing truck flattens him.The lad is killed instantly.
The pub falls silent except for the father who moans in grief.
The barman sighs and says "he should have quit while he was a head"

There are only 10 types of people. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.