Mitch Hedberg anyone?

- A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

- A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

- All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

- Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

- Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

- Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

- Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

- Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

- Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

- Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

- I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

- I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

- I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

- I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

- I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

- I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!

- I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

- I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.

- I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

- I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

- I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

- I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I walked by a drycleaners last night at 3 a.m. and there was a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, man. It's 3 a.m. and you're a drycleaner.

I think that Pringles first idea was to sell tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, potatoes were delivered instead. So Pringles is a laid back company, instead of getting mad, they said, "____ it. Cut 'em up."

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

Anyone like Bill Hicks?

I find a ducks opinions on me is very much influenced over whether or not i have bread.

Talk about lame jokes.....

Originally posted by huckleberryhound
I find a ducks opinions on me is very much influenced over whether or not i have bread.

Originally posted by sonhouse
Talk about lame jokes.....

Ahh, especially apt:

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f#$@ did you get that banana?

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give them a chance.

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

And one of my personal favorites:

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Ever notice how commercials for above-ground pools are only 30 seconds long? It's because that is the maximum amount of time you can have fun in an above-ground pool. After 31 seconds, you'd ask yourself, "What am I supposed to do now, throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put on my goggles and go look at his feet again?"

If the number 13 is unlucky, the letter B should be. "B" looks like a scrunched-together 13. "Hi, what's your name?" "Bob." "Get the hell away!!"

I was reading a magazine at a convenience store, and the clerk said, "This isn't a library!" [I replied] "OK, I will talk louder!"

When a fan's on oscillate, it looks like it's saying no, so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to:

Is it true you keep my hair in place?

Do you keep my documents in order?

Do you have more than 3 settings? LIAR!

Originally posted by darvlay
When a fan's on oscillate, it looks like it's saying no, so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to:

Is it true you keep my hair in place?

Do you keep my documents in order?

Do you have more than 3 settings? LIAR!