1.e4 small wave surfers. lots of little tactical stings, like a million mosquitoes attacking you. but still, malaria mosquitoes kill more people every year than anything else.
1.d4 big wave surfers. at first there's nothing to be seen. the surface looks calm. but the wave is building up far from the shore, slowly but unstoppably, building, building... until it crashes in and blows your kindom into oblivion.
1.c4 I have never understood these guys. it looks ugly to me, but clearly it works.
1.f4 my current favourite. it's not d4, but it's okay. and at this point I almost always know the positions better than my opponents. I get good, active positions, and the opponents almost invariably overestimate the weakness of my king. it's not weak, it's active. I get to play the same moves against almost anything. as a plus, there's almost no established theory in the lines I get 99% of the time, and only a handful of db games.
the downside is that black gets lots of natural moves. but hey, I'm not really hoping black just stumbles and throws the game.