1. Standard memberHand of Hecate
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    11 Dec '06 17:56
    A good friend of mine has been married for 16 years. He's currently 39 and loves his wife very much. Personally I think she's a loud mouthed, know it all, self absorbed, tool, but, I don't have to go home to her.

    This friend of mine is one of the best guys you'll ever meet, kind hearted, generous to a fault, and never a bad word to say about anyone. He'd literally lay his life on the line for his friends and family without thinking twice. I consider myself very lucky to know him.

    Sadly, his wife has been very hard on him over the last couple of years. I suspect she's trying to force him into a divorce. Quite honestly, she's been married to him from the age of 18 and she really may have no idea of how good she has it. Hell, her husband worships the ground she walks on and would do anything for her.

    Recently his grandmother died and his wife told him that as his grandmother wasn't Catholic, she was going to burn in Hell for all eternity. Needless to say my friend, who while being God fearing isn't a Catholic himself, was very upset by this. Sadly his wife just couldn't let it go and she has pursued him relentlessly ever since trying to get him to convert. She has also recently started telling him that as he will often have a couple of beers after work, this is also going to earn him a place in Hell.

    I am concerned that she is trying to drive a wedge between them to get him to grant her a divorce. I believe she wants to be able to hold him responsible for the break up and any subsequent adultery on her part. Sadly, he still loves her and he's visibly upset almost continually over this. Plus, he feels than once your married that's it, for better of for worse you're done.

    I would like to help my friend, but, outside of acquiring a shovel and a bag of lime, I'm at a loss. Any guidance you can give me would be appreciated.
  2. DonationPawnokeyhole
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    11 Dec '06 18:40
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    A good friend of mine has been married for 16 years. He's currently 39 and loves his wife very much. Personally I think she's a loud mouthed, know it all, self absorbed, tool, but, I don't have to go home to her.

    This friend of mine is one of the best guys you'll ever meet, kind hearted, generous to a fault, and never a bad word to say about an ...[text shortened]... a bag of lime, I'm at a loss. Any guidance you can give me would be appreciated.
    Your friend badly needs a divorce.

    If I were the conniving sort, I would hire someone to seduce his wife, take a few pictures, and give your friend the excuse he needs to get out of his personal hell with his sanity intact.
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    11 Dec '06 18:53
    Originally posted by Pawnokeyhole
    Your friend badly needs a divorce.

    If I were the conniving sort, I would hire someone to seduce his wife, take a few pictures, and give your friend the excuse he needs to get out of his personal hell with his sanity intact.
    Totally concur.....


    Re a Christmas present, on the other hand, a shovel and a bag of lime won't cost the earth......
  4. Standard memberHand of Hecate
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    11 Dec '06 19:261 edit
    Originally posted by Pawnokeyhole
    Your friend badly needs a divorce.

    If I were the conniving sort, I would hire someone to seduce his wife, take a few pictures, and give your friend the excuse he needs to get out of his personal hell with his sanity intact.
    If you could get her to shut the hell up for any length of time, seducing his wife would likely not be much of a problem as she's completely stuck on herself and thrives on attention. I would be very suprised if she hasn't already been cheating on him.

    Apparently, she's grown and become 'better than him'. He put her through nursing school and has supported her continually. Now she's convinced that Catholics are the chosen people and he's a heretic.

    Myself and many of his friends have coached him on cutting his losses, but, for religious and personal reasons, he's dead set against it. Sadly, she's wearing him down and I believe he's finally come to the conclusion that he has no other options. Stay or go, this whole thing is tearing him apart.


    Edit: He's just left work for the day, too torn up to keep his mind on things... that shovel and bag of lime is looking like a better option all the time.
  5. Standard memberroyalchicken
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    11 Dec '06 20:41
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    A good friend of mine has been married for 16 years. He's currently 39 and loves his wife very much. Personally I think she's a loud mouthed, know it all, self absorbed, tool, but, I don't have to go home to her.

    This friend of mine is one of the best guys you'll ever meet, kind hearted, generous to a fault, and never a bad word to say about an ...[text shortened]... a bag of lime, I'm at a loss. Any guidance you can give me would be appreciated.
    That someone is willing to get married at 18 is evidence of enough of a warped personality that one shouldn't marry them.
  6. Standard memberspruce112358
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    11 Dec '06 20:48
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    If you could get her to shut the hell up for any length of time, seducing his wife would likely not be much of a problem as she's completely stuck on herself and thrives on attention. I would be very suprised if she hasn't already been cheating on him.

    Apparently, she's grown and become 'better than him'. He put her through nursing school and h ...[text shortened]... n things... that shovel and bag of lime is looking like a better option all the time.
    You say your friend is tearing yourself up. That's a normal reaction if he believes he could have done something to prevent the situation. Or, maybe he just feels a more general despair like "how could this happen to me? I'm a good person?!?"

    So -- what to do. Not easy.

    First of all, there is likely nothing he can do about her. He is not responsible for her moods, nor can he control them -- maybe not even affect them. She will interpret anything he says to suit her purpose -- but what that purpose is, who knows? She may be trying to get out as you suspect. Or she may just be trying desparately to feel better because of low self-esteem (e.g. secretly feels inferior to him).

    I suggest that he calm down, take a deep breath, and stop debating with her. This is situation is not his fault and happens to a lot of men. Most importantly, he is not his wife's therapist. He cannot help her directly. Tell her that she seems to have a lot of unresolved issues and probably should seek therapy. It is unlikely she will. Then he should offer that the two of them go together. She might accept.

    Either way, if they do split up, your friend can know he did his best to save his marriage.
  7. Standard memberHand of Hecate
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    11 Dec '06 21:12
    Originally posted by spruce112358
    You say your friend is tearing yourself up. That's a normal reaction if he believes he could have done something to prevent the situation. Or, maybe he just feels a more general despair like "how could this happen to me? I'm a good person?!?"

    So -- what to do. Not easy.

    First of all, there is likely nothing he can do about her. He is not responsib ...[text shortened]... Either way, if they do split up, your friend can know he did his best to save his marriage.
    The reason I posted this in Spirituality is because my friend's main conflict is not that divorce is the only way this issue will resolve itself, but, rather, that he strongly feels that divorce will violate his relationship with God. He feels that by allowing his wife to leave him, which seems inevitable, he has somehow not only failed her, but God as well.

    I suppose reassuring him is all I can do, but, I thought someone in spirituality might have a different perspective.
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    11 Dec '06 22:57
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    The reason I posted this in Spirituality is because my friend's main conflict is not that divorce is the only way this issue will resolve itself, but, rather, that he strongly feels that divorce will violate his relationship with God. He feels that by allowing his wife to leave him, which seems inevitable, he has somehow not only failed her, but God ...[text shortened]... him is all I can do, but, I thought someone in spirituality might have a different perspective.
    It takes two people to make a marriage work. If one is unwilling, there is not much the other can do. It was always God’s intent that divorce not be an option, but He also knew how people are, so He made provisions for it under the Law of Moses. In the New Testament Jesus said the only acceptable cause was adultery. The Apostle Paul gave further instructions in First Corinthians 7:10-13

    “And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband. But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.”

    If man & wife are “believers” they are to remain married. However, if one does leave, the options are remain unmarried or be reconciled. The last verses apply to believers and unbelievers who are married. If the unbeliever wants out of the marriage, Paul advised let them go. So, while divorce is not God’s will, He has made provisions for it.
  9. Subscriberno1marauder
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    11 Dec '06 23:02
    Originally posted by masscat
    It takes two people to make a marriage work. If one is unwilling, there is not much the other can do. It was always God’s intent that divorce not be an option, but He also knew how people are, so He made provisions for it under the Law of Moses. In the New Testament Jesus said the only acceptable cause was adultery. The Apostle Paul gave further instruct ...[text shortened]... , Paul advised let them go. So, while divorce is not God’s will, He has made provisions for it.
    I'm sure HoH will find that helpful.
  10. DonationPawnokeyhole
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    11 Dec '06 23:19
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    The reason I posted this in Spirituality is because my friend's main conflict is not that divorce is the only way this issue will resolve itself, but, rather, that he strongly feels that divorce will violate his relationship with God. He feels that by allowing his wife to leave him, which seems inevitable, he has somehow not only failed her, but God ...[text shortened]... him is all I can do, but, I thought someone in spirituality might have a different perspective.
    Yet another example of entrenched religious beliefs constructively contributing to human happiness.
  11. Standard memberroyalchicken
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    11 Dec '06 23:23
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    The reason I posted this in Spirituality is because my friend's main conflict is not that divorce is the only way this issue will resolve itself, but, rather, that he strongly feels that divorce will violate his relationship with God. He feels that by allowing his wife to leave him, which seems inevitable, he has somehow not only failed her, but God ...[text shortened]... him is all I can do, but, I thought someone in spirituality might have a different perspective.
    Wouldn't destroying his faith work, too?
  12. DonationPawnokeyhole
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    11 Dec '06 23:23
    Originally posted by masscat
    It takes two people to make a marriage work. If one is unwilling, there is not much the other can do. It was always God’s intent that divorce not be an option, but He also knew how people are, so He made provisions for it under the Law of Moses. In the New Testament Jesus said the only acceptable cause was adultery. The Apostle Paul gave further instruct ...[text shortened]... , Paul advised let them go. So, while divorce is not God’s will, He has made provisions for it.
    It's a cheery thought that God wills protracted human unhappiness by having them stay in marriages that are not working, say because one of them is a vindictive nutter and the other an unassertive victim.

    What a moral moron you worship!
  13. DonationPawnokeyhole
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    11 Dec '06 23:24
    Originally posted by royalchicken
    Wouldn't destroying his faith work, too?
    "The God Delusion" as a stocking filler?
  14. Felicific Forest
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    12 Dec '06 00:34
    Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
    A good friend of mine has been married for 16 years. He's currently 39 and loves his wife very much. Personally I think she's a loud mouthed, know it all, self absorbed, tool, but, I don't have to go home to her.

    This friend of mine is one of the best guys you'll ever meet, kind hearted, generous to a fault, and never a bad word to say about an ...[text shortened]... a bag of lime, I'm at a loss. Any guidance you can give me would be appreciated.
    My advice is to stay out of it if your friend hasn't asked for help. Has he ?
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    12 Dec '06 00:54
    Originally posted by Pawnokeyhole
    It's a cheery thought that God wills protracted human unhappiness by having them stay in marriages that are not working, say because one of them is a vindictive nutter and the other an unassertive victim.

    What a moral moron you worship!
    Obviously you either can't read or you have very poor reading comprehension!
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