Originally posted by knightmeister
Ok , I must have misread you. You have obviously honestly sought harder than I thought you had. Sorry about that.
Despite this , I sense that deep in your heart you really wish you had found him which suggests to me that Holy Spirit put a desire in you to seek for him.
I bet that if you explored what happened (either privately or otherwise) tha ...[text shortened]... grieve him but more for what you had lost than what he had lost. Do you understand this concept?
Apology accepted, don't sweat it.
{KM Quote}
Despite this , I sense that deep in your heart you really wish you had found him which suggests to me that Holy Spirit put a desire in you to seek for him.
{end quote}
Desire, as I'm sure you know, comes from a whole host of places, and it can be inspired from within or from outside pressures/suggestions. Assuming that my particular desire (and oh, did I ever have desire) came from the invisible spirit of a distant god is an assumption I can no longer make without some evidence.
{KM Quote}
I bet that if you explored what happened (either privately or otherwise) that I would have a great chance of putting my finger on what went wrong.
{end quote}
I don't think I have yet convinced you of the degree to which I wanted to experience God. Between the ages of 27 and 31 I was in despair...serious despair...at having just lost my faith. So much despair, in fact, that I did not even admit publicly that I had lost it until just a year ago (age 31), hell, until then I could't even admit it to myself.
Depression, destructive behavior, denial, self loathing, confusion...these are just some of the things I went through in those four years. You don't get it man; my entire worldview changed, forcing me to conclude that my relationship with God was either imaginary all along, or He had given me the boot. Either way, I needed to adapt, and I did.
Establishing a relationship with what I thought was God was the second most significant event in my life, recovering from that same relationship was the first. But recover I did, and you know what? My life is as rewarding, and fulfilling as it has ever been. My bonds have been broken, I'm free, and it is *truly* a blessing!
So, this is why I say that if somehow I end up facing God at the end of my journey, my first words to Him will be: "Where the hell were you?!" Don't get me worng, I'm not angry at God (he doesn't exist), I'm angry at myself for engaging in such blatant self deceipt for so long. However, if I'm all wrong about this (and I freely admit it is a possibility) it will be ME *demanding* an explanation from Him, and then I will be the angriest soul in hell.