I was just rubbing myself in all the right places, when I got to thinking about this ten commandments malarky.
I mean, if I lay down the law, doesn't it go without saying that I should stick to it too? And if I don't, doesn't that make me a hypocrite?
Take this one for instance:
"I am the Lord your God and you shall have no other Gods before me."
Well, besides being just a little meglo-maniacal, what about Jesus and the Holy bloody ghost?
Doesn't Jesus sort of re-write part of the old testament? I mean, the whole "an eye for an eye" debacle gets a make-over worthy of New Labour spin-doctoring: "Turn the other cheek."
Who to believe? What to do? Eh?
And this one then:
"You shall not covet thy neighbour's wife."
I wonder what Joseph thinks about that then?
"Hi Honey, guess what? I'm pregnant! Ooohhh. I know, we've not done it yet, but the Holy Ghost came down and took me like the little slut I am."
Yeah... one rule for omnipotent and one rule for the rest of us there!
"You shall not kill."
I'm sure Noah's fellow villagers were really impressed by God's interpretation of that little vitamin shot of controversy.
As 8 year old Ismul said as he was playing with his bronze-age lego: "But... but... I ain't committed no crime ye... blub blub blub."
"You shall not make for yourself an idol."
Yeah, it doesn't sit too well with the whole: "I am your God." passage does it? It's sort of like me saying: "The last thing we need is another post on God's hypocritism.", isn't it?
Yes. It is.
"You shall not bear false witness on your neighbour."
Well, excuse me! Can I see the minutes of Lucifer's court hearing please? If ever there was bum justice served (outside of Guatanamo bay), it's gotta be this gem of a non-existent court case.
Evidence? Motive? Weapon?
See. It's even a victimless crime (if even a crime where committed).
I bet old Satan was probably saying something along the lines of: "You know... this whole 'I am the Lord your God stuff... it's a little over the top, isn't it?"
And BAM-WHACK... he's sent off to Glasgow (or Hell... same difference) and suddenly we're not allowed to bear false witness anymore.
Reminds me a bit of the whole Berlesconi thing, actually. You know, the parliment passing a bill that he can't be taken to court, etc. etc. ad infinitum, ad nausium.
And this one then: "Thou shallt not covet thy neighbour's house."
Yeah. Sure... if you don't have a house, then it's very easy to say.
If you're all bloody omnipotent and everything and can have whatever you want at the sneeze of a jizzim, sure...
But if you're living in a small apartment in Rotterdam and Tony "corrupt war criminal" Blair has four houses spread all over the world... it's another bloody matter.
Not to mention cars. I mean, why on earth didn't God mention cars? I have a fungi infection in the back of mine (I don't know if the car caught it from my girlfriend or vice-versa) and I see Ferrari's driving through my streets (driven by unemployed, marijuana smoking men with big gold necklesses, by the way). OBVIOUSLY I covet their bloody cars.
So, weighing up my arguments, do you agree? God is a hypocrite, a bum and the ten commandments are utter rubbish?