Originally posted by Nemesio
One of the ways in which a person can deal with anger is by
recognizing that it is a response to something; unless you are
unwell, anger requires a stimulus.
Upon recognizing that anger is a reaction among many possible
ones, one can liberate him/herself from anger by choosing other
reactions. Becoming angry is to let the angering thing contr ...[text shortened]... iling to recognize that I have many other
emotional responses from which to choose.
Nemesio
So, yes, when someone makes angry, I am letting them control me because I am failing to recognize that I have many other emotional responses from which to choose.
Wow. I have met so very few people who know this. I didn’t learn it until quite late in my life—until then I believed that
feelings, which I am here using synonymously with emotions, were beyond our ability to choose. I didn’t believe it until I did it.
Basically, it is not so different from learning to hit a baseball. It requires three things: (1) assent to at least the possibility that you can do it (enough to try anyway); (2) learning/adapting techniques (such as refocusing your thoughts); and (3) practice. Since the underlying emotions probably mostly derive from the survival instinct, they kick in—as you note—quickly (and it is important to realize that the anger/fear reaction, for example, is appropriate in a physically threatening situation).
Refocusing takes time, but the time-lapse can be reduced by practice. For example: someone who becomes angry because their lover has jilted them might go to the theatre to see a comedy—while they are caught up in the humor, they “forget” to be angry. That’s a pretty “crude” technique with a pretty long lapse-time, but it illustrates the point in a way many people may be familiar with.
There’s a famous Zen story along these lines. A seeker (Huiko, if I remember right) sought out the First Patriarch of Zen, Bodhidharma—
Bodhidharma: What can I do for you?
Huiko: My mind is always agitated. I want to learn how to calm my mind.
Bodhidharma: Well, let’s see this agitated mind of yours…
Huiko (a bit confused): Well, I can’t show it to you just now…
Bodhidharma: You see, I have already shown you how to calm your mind.
Of course, we become conditioned and habituated (even addicted?) to our emotional responses, and even with practice and skill, we occasionally slip and indulge those emotions that we claim to not want. (“But, Doctor, I’m happier when I’m depressed!” ) Also, of course, once one learns these things, one can no longer escape responsibility for one’s emotions…