Music and musician jokes

Q: What is a viola player in HCl?
A: A solved problem!

Q: Why is the viola called "bratsj" in Norwegian?
A: That's the sound it makes when you step on it.

Q: What is worse than a recorder?
A: Two recorders!

Originally posted by gregsflat
What came before the tuba? the oneba

It probably sounded halfba asssba.

What's the difference between a double bass and a violin?
A double bass burns longer.

Originally posted by Scriabin
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nice portrait of Edwin. 😉

A Performance of Handel’s Messiah

Many years ago a performance of The Messiah by Handel was being given in the Cleckheaton Town Hall and old Cuthbert Briggs from Liversedge thought he might like to go. He tried to persuade his wife, Hilda, to go with him but she wasn’t too keen.

“Nay, Cuthbert lad, thee knows it’s nowt in my line. Give me a bit of comedy or a singalong on the end of Blackpool pier any day. No, thee go by thee self and tell me all about it when thou comes home.”

So Cuthbert went on his own. He’d no idea what to expect. In fact, he’d never heard of The Messiah. It was just that he fancied doing something a bit different to his usual Saturday night visit to the Bull & Bear Pub.

When he got back home, Cuthbert’s wife was all ears. “Come on then, tell mi all abaht it.”

“Ee well,” said Cuthbert, “It were all reyt, but not quite what ah were expectin’. There weren’t a lot o’ movement on the stage. In fact, there weren’t a lot o’ room on the stage. It were full o’ singers. Ah’d been sat there a bit when in comes a load o’ fellas carryin’ fiddles. Then, they brought in the biggest fiddle ah’ve ever seen, an’ it were that big, they ’ad to wheel it in on castors. An’ then a little chap rubbed its belly wi’ a stick and you should ’ave ’hear it groan. It sounded just like a cow with the croup. Well, all the fiddles they joined in an’ made such a racket, an’ then they settled dahn an’ it all went quiet.”

“After ’bout a minute in comes the Messiah. Least, ah think it were ’im cuz everybody clapped and all them fiddles they stood up to welcome ’im. He were a dapper of a bloke, all dolled up in a wais’kit, with a red carnation in ’is button’ole. Aye, I’m sure he must ’a been the Messiah. Then ’e picked up a little white stick an’ started wavin’ it about at everybody on the stage. They were all staring at ’im, wondering what were up. Then they started to sing.”

“Thee’d not been goin’ long afore they were fratchin’ like cats. They wanted to know who the King of Glory was. First one side said He is the King of Glory, then the other side said He is the King of Glory. An’ then they went at it ’ammer an’ tongs but it fizzled out in t’end. Then there was a right to-do about some sheep ’at ’ad gone astray. Some of the singers must a’ been partial to a bit o’ mutton, cuz they kept on singing ‘O we like sheep.’ Meself, I like a bit o’ well done steak, but anyway . . .”

“Well, ah think them lost sheep must a’ belonged t’ one of them singers cuz ’e stood up an’ said every mountain and hill should be laid low. Good, I thought to meself. If they flatten all t’ mountains, they’ll be sure ter find the sheep ’at’s gone astray. Then the organist started up an’ the band joined in and by gum, they seemed to be getting mad over summat. The way they were sawing at them fiddles, al were expectin’ ’em to fall apart.”

“Then, after that, all the women stood up to sing. Believe me, some of ’em were a bit past it by the look of them. They must a been 70 if they were a day, but they sang ‘Unto us a child is born,’ and all the fellas shouted ‘Wonderful.’ Well ah thought to meself, it’s a bloomin’ miracle. Then they composed their selfs a bit an’ sang about a woman called Joyce Greatly. Ah’d never ’eard o’ her but apparently she’s the daughter of Zion, whoever ’e is.”

“Ah were gettin’ a bit fed up by nah. Ah’d been sat for nearly two hours, when all of a sudden ah gets a cramp in me leg. Up I jumped outa me seat an’ do yer know, rest of ’em all jumped up at the same time. They must all ’ave ’ad the cramp same as me. Then the choir shouted ‘Hallelujah, it’s going to rain for ever and ever.’ Well, ah’d never thowt to bring me brolly, so ah thowt ah’d better get off home afore it started to rain. So seein’ as ah were already on me feet, ah reckoned ah’d slip out quick in case there were a rush fer the door.”

Originally posted by davaniel
Nice portrait of Edwin. 😉

but the answer is?

Thanks for a good laugh, Attila!

Hey, Everyone – Watch This! (a newspaper article)
A Lesson in Newton’s Third Law of Motion
August 1998, Montevideo Uruguay


Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture at an outdoor children’s concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, “I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.” However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics, nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and, in his haste to get the instrument up before the firecracker went off, failed to raise the bell of his trombone high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his trombone, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing players, and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them, passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind, and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of cannons and brass playing, as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo’s Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, “Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice saying, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction!” Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics, that every high school student knows. Having failed to plug the mouth-pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the instrument, burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn’t over yet. The force of the blast was so great that it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grande finale, as Paolo fell backwards, he lost the grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the instrument to propel the trombone’s slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 2nd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the lower brasses yell out, “Hey, everyone. Watch this!”

Originally posted by AttilaTheHorn
Hey, Everyone – Watch This! (a newspaper article)
A Lesson in Newton’s Third Law of Motion
August 1998, Montevideo Uruguay


Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky ...[text shortened]... eware the next time you hear someone in the lower brasses yell out, “Hey, everyone. Watch this!”

So did it effect his aperture?

I think you mean embouchure, and of course his face would have been badly burned.

It's hard and it sings?
Stiff Richard

Originally posted by AttilaTheHorn
I think you mean embouchure, and of course his face would have been badly burned.

I guess he wasn't feeling horny for a few weeks, eh..

Originally posted by AttilaTheHorn
Hey, Everyone – Watch This! (a newspaper article)
A Lesson in Newton’s Third Law of Motion
August 1998, Montevideo Uruguay


Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky ...[text shortened]... eware the next time you hear someone in the lower brasses yell out, “Hey, everyone. Watch this!”

Inspirational enthusiasm from lower brass players is like asking a cement contractor to do fine cabinet work.

Originally posted by gregsflat
Inspirational enthusiasm from lower brass players is like asking a cement contractor to do fine cabinet work.

One of my teachers who influenced and inspired me the most was a lower brass player. He was Arnold Jacobs, the tuba player in the Chicago Symphony for some 44 years. The city of Chicago once held an "Arnold Jacobs Day" in his honour. He was extremely influential not only in music but also life: a tremendour man, a tremendous musician, and a tremendous human being.

A harpist spends 90% of her time tuning her harp and 10% of her time playing out of tune
- Stravinsky