I felt like sharing this with you, because... well, I'd like to bring you all down with me.
Just last night, I saw a cat strawling about in the vicinity of my appartment. I live on the ground floor with horribly colored walls and one cracked window. Wind is part of my daily environment. There is a constant draft through my small appartment from the window to the ventilation in the bathroom (which is really too strong). But not only cold wind, but sound reaches easily through the thin walls and so I can hear two beetlebugs whisper nauty secrets to each other from a distance of 50 meters (or something like that). Well, despite the lame attempt at being funny, this story is actually a serious one because it tells the tale of a guilt that I'm carrying with me and that I need to let out here and now.
I am a murderer.
Yes, you read it correctly. I've committed the horrible crime of taking someone else's life. And I did it fully aware of what I was doing. I did it out of mercy, but I have regrets. I thought I did the right thing, but I'm no longer sure about that. I couldn't support her anymore. She was physically impaired and I had no choice but to take her life. You must understand that I wasn't thinking clearly. Although that's not an excuse, perhaps you can better understand my horrible act of violence if you know this about me. I had to do what I did to save her from the misery of living a life in despair. But almost immediately after the killing I felt that maybe the way I did it was not the most humane. I've been constantly tormented from that point on by a nagging and unwavering guilt, filling my chest to the point where I want to just end my own existence completely.
And the memory always comes back to haunt me when I hear or see a cat. Especially those black and gray striped cats. With big, beautiful greenish eyes and cute little red-brown noses. Always on the alert. Investigating every little thing with complete focus and dedicated curiosity. The memory comes back to haunt me when I am made aware of the presence of such cats, because she was like that too. She was curious and full of life. She just couldn't explore much anymore because of what my brother in law did to her when I was not around.
Please understand that I'm not mad at my brother in law. And he's not a bad person. He did what he felt was necessary and things just went horribly wrong. And I, who had never previously done anything like it, felt obligated to finish what he had started. I felt that for her sake I had to complete the murder; put her to sleep with whatever means I had available. I just wish I had more... sophisticated tools at my disposal.
For five years we lived together. I can recall countless of good moments. There was a lot of joy and laughter, but also hard times. We got through them all but this one. Now, don't get me wrong. We weren't completely isolated from the rest of the world. We both had our own friends and family. We were both very social and enjoyed the company of others. Little did we understand what was to come. Little did we realize how horribly disfigured she would become because of one of our best friends; my brother in law.
Again, I don't blame him. Well, not entirely. It's partially my own fault. I was the one who finished it. I am the one who completed the murder and so if you are to pass judgement on anyone, it's me. Well, no point in trying to explain myself and rationalize it. I think I'll just tell the story like it is and let you pass your own judgement on me.
Because our financial situation had diminished to practically non-existent, we had agreed that she would stay with my sister and her husband. They have a farm on the countryside and so there are always extra rooms available. I would stay in the city and try to get a job that would allow me to again support both myself and her. At first everything was fine. She seemed to like it on the countryside. And so there was no problem getting adjusted to the new environment. In fact, I had begun worrying about whether or not she would actually want to come back to the city with me once I get a job. After she had had the chance to taste the freedom that only life on the countryside can provide a five-year old, she might never want to return to the concrete and crowded streets. I had decided that whatever she chose to do, it would be ok with me. I would miss her terribly if she wanted to stay with my sister's family, but I wouldn't force her to come with me. I had no right to do that.
There's a big irony in that last sentence, isn't there? I had no right to force her to come with me, but I made the decision to end her life. To completely remove her existence from the face of the earth, and dump her rottening cadaver deep in the forest for wildlife to consume. The very thought of this horrible act fills me with nausea, regret and personal anguish. Because I can't make it all undone. I can't rewind the tape and give it a new shot. (Pun intended?) Because time is irrevocably heading forward and my cursed memory has to record all my actions, my soul is in a constant state of sorrow and guilt. And I can't seem to find peace within me. Perhaps I don't deserve peace after what I've done? Perhaps this is how it's supposed to be when you commit a crime against nature like the one I have? A meaningless killing of a loved-one. Leaving the corp to rott in the forest, being eaten by wild animals and birds and broken down by insects and bacteria. If you commit an act like that, maybe you're supposed to be unhappy and unfullfilled?
Well, here I am again. Talking about feelings and asking questions without telling the story like it is. I apologize for drifting like this, but this story is very hard for me to tell. I need to make sure you understand my regrets. I need to make sure you understand that I am not a monster, but a person filled with love and compassion for all living things. I am not insane, but slowly getting there. I need you to understand that I'm fragile and slowly bending under the preassure of harsh reality. If you can see that I can continue my story.
Originally posted by RingtailhunterMaybe you can help me. My roux always comes out lumpy, could it be having the pan too hot or should I try slowing down the adding of the flour?
What about murdering of time, specifically the two minutes out of my valuable day it took to read your post you cat killer.
I both rue and lament this thread.
RTh
Originally posted by stockenwould you like me to pray for you ?
Because our financial situation had diminished to practically non-existent, we had agreed that she would stay with my sister and her husband. They have a farm on the countryside and so there are always extra rooms available. I would stay in the city and try to get a job that would allow me to again support both myself and her. At first everything was fine. S ...[text shortened]... g under the preassure of harsh reality. If you can see that I can continue my story.
Originally posted by stockencontinue your story you murderer 😲
Because our financial situation had diminished to practically non-existent, we had agreed that she would stay with my sister and her husband. They have a farm on the countryside and so there are always extra rooms available. I would stay in the city and try to get a job that would allow me to again support both myself and her. At first everything was fine. S ...[text shortened]... g under the preassure of harsh reality. If you can see that I can continue my story.
Well, thanks for not judging me too hard people. 😞
Anyway, here it is. Even though they lived on the countryside (in the deep forest) they had neighbours living not too far away from them. Just a few minutes by car. The neighbours also have a cat. Their cat had been around for almost a decade before mine was unleashed on their land, and so there was bound to be a territorial fight between the two. One day their cat returned home with a wounded left eye.
Usually this means that the fight is over and the new territory has been marked. But the neighbours demanded that my cat be put to sleep and because my brother in law is such a feebleminded person (worrying more about the good relation with his neighbour than the life of a beautiful creature) he decided to take my cat deeper into the forest and shoot her. (Ok, so I do blame him a little.)
My cat - being really smart - new that something was wrong and started heading for shelter when she saw the rifle. My brother in law shot her in the hip and she managed to limp forward into the forest. Wounded and unable to move her left backside.
Please understand that this cat was very special to me. I considered her a dear friend. I knew all her special oddities and I'm sure she could "feel" things just the way I can. She had moods. She could get mad. She could be happy. Yes, she was a predator and as such killed other lesser animals (who no doubt also felt and thought things). But I could overlook that without problem. She was my skorpan, and so I had an emotional bond with her that noone else could have.
When I heard what had happened, I got mad. I went sad when I thought about how life must be for her now that she's in the deep, wild forest, wounded and hurt and all alone. It may seem that I have a flare for the melodramatic, but really... just picture yourself wounded and barely able to move, crawling through a dark forest with predators all around. How would you feel, if someone you cared a lot about were in that situation? Of course, we all realized that there was no way skorpan would survive for more than a day or two. If she didn't bleed to death, surely a fox would get her?
Well, three days later I was up there visiting them and there she was. Hiding under one of the cars. When my sister tried to lure her out she hesitated. When my brother in law came close she hissed madly at him. Not even their children could gain her trust. When I got on my knees and spoke her name, she limped right up to me and climbed into my lap. That's one of the reasons this memory torments me so much. She had a complete trust for me. And, believe it or not. I loved this cat with all my heart. She was extraordinary.
I realized what had to be done. Skorpan was so badly wounded that she wouldn't get better. She was weak and it was incredible that she had survived that long. I couldn't afford going to the vet, so I hardened myself and did it.
I asked my brother in law to reload the rifle and get me some rope. Then I tied her (not too hard, mind you) to the stem of a tree so that she wouldn't be able to get away again (not that she had much strength in her, but still). She completely trusted me. She didn't resist in the least. Only when I accidently touched the area where the shot had hit her did she jerk, but she didn't hiss at me and she didn't try to get loose. Can you imagine yourself doing this? Can you imagine yourself tying an animal you love to a tree to prepare for actually shooting it? It's not easy, but it's surprising how I managed not to think of it at the time. I just did it. No thoughts, no feelings.
When my brother in law showed up with the loaded rifle and handed it to me, skorpan started jerking an awful lot, trying to get loose. My eyes filled with tears, but I swallowed hard and looked slightly above her so as not to have to look into her eyes. She was no doubt feeling betrayed and aware of her predicament.
It surprised me; the noice the rifle was making and the jerk against my shoulder. This was a rifle normally used to shoot bigger game (like deer and the sort) and I used it to shoot my cat. My ear rang and I looked down at my cat who still wasn't dead. She twitched and jerked and her eyes rolling... but she was not dead. My brother in law had explained to me that even though she did that she was dead. Those were jerks that happens to every animal after being shot. It would continue a few seconds and then she would be still.
Well, those seconds felt like an eternity and I wanted it to stop, so I asked him to reload, and I shot again. This time she stopped moving completely. Her teeth were exposed in a grin, and her left eye was partially open but the right closed. There wasn't a whole lot of blood. Just a splatter around the holes where the bullets had hit her.
I swallowed again and walked away. Upset and uneasy. It took weeks before I could smile again and I'm still haunted by the memory of her struggling against the ropes as she realized what was about to happen.
I am a murderer.
:'(
Originally posted by stocken😲..thats a horrible story. You've ruined my day Stocken! :'(
Well, thanks for not judging me too hard people. 😞
Anyway, here it is. Even though they lived on the countryside (in the deep forest) they had neighbours living not too far away from them. Just a few minutes by car. The neighbours also have a cat. Their cat had been around for almost a decade before mine was unleashed on their land, and so there was boun ...[text shortened]... the ropes as she realized what was about to happen.
I am a murderer.
:'(
Originally posted by stockenYour brother shot her because her eye had been gouged out? Has he never heard of a vet?
Well, thanks for not judging me too hard people. 😞
Anyway, here it is. Even though they lived on the countryside (in the deep forest) they had neighbours living not too far away from them. Just a few minutes by car. The neighbours also have a cat. Their cat had been around for almost a decade before mine was unleashed on their land, and so there was boun the ropes as she realized what was about to happen.
I am a murderer.
:'(
And why didn't you take her to the vet to have her put down afterwards? Hell, maybe she would have got better with surgery and medical attention?
Originally posted by StarrmanMy brother in law tried to shoot her because the neighbours wanted her dead after she had wounded their cat's eye.
Your brother shot her because her eye had been gouged out? Has he never heard of a vet?
And why didn't you take her to the vet to have her put down afterwards? Hell, maybe she would have got better with surgery and medical attention?
I shot her because I couldn't afford the vet and she was too badly injured to survive without help from a professional vet.
:'(
Originally posted by StarrmanThe neighbour's cat was wounded on the eye.
Your brother shot her because her eye had been gouged out? Has he never heard of a vet?
And why didn't you take her to the vet to have her put down afterwards? Hell, maybe she would have got better with surgery and medical attention?
The fact that they would demand Stocken's cat put down because of it is extraordinary, and the fact that his brother-in-law would actually do this is appalling.