A businessman, Dave Froberg, was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free
day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the
nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if
he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its
16," Dave said, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddie. "Go out
with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The Dave was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddie
picked up Dave's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but
decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the
caddie. Need less to say, Dave duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball
and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large
snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddie stood next to him with the
rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa.
You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddie. Of course, Dave's ball went
straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of
the caddie's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your
life again," said the caddie.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. Dave's ball came up just
short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had
to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile
emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddie with the rifle
propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the
man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddie, "this is the 17th handicap hole,
you don't get a shot here."
That's why you never lie about your handicap.
Originally posted by shortcircuitThumbs up!
A businessman, Dave Froberg, was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free
day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the
nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if
he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he ha ...[text shortened]... ."
That's why you never lie about your handicap.
😀
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to
rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my
barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs......... So, yes, I guess I
am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
The cowboy replied, 'Well I always thought I was, although I think I've just found
out I'm a lesbian".
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
He pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
He knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs and a nice butt
who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.
The End
Originally posted by shortcircuitDont worry fred boy, I got all the time in the world for you.
You must be myopic or just an idiot.
Try reading [b]ALL of the posts and you will see it is quite back and forth.
You might also try investigating to find out that "that dude" is my friend.
The only loser here is you.
Guess that is mud in your eye, eh mudpie!![/b]
Originally posted by greenpawn34Nice.
Hey! I just bought 800 bottles of TIPPEX on E-Bay.
I think I just made a massive mistake.
---------------------------------------------------
Pretty Naff.
I only do Chess Jokes.
White to play and draw.
[pgn]
[FEN "8/p6p/5p1P/5p2/5P2/8/7P/1k2K3 w - - 0 1"]
1. Kf2 a5 2. Kg3 a4 3. Kh4 a3 4. Kh5 a2 5. h4 a1=Q {There is nothing Black can do. White is stalemated.}[/pgn]
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair really smells nice. The woman, in a huff, immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains what had occured. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, 'What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice.'
The womans replies 'He's a midget!'
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks
called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man
to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery..
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic
Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for
his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir How do you
manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old
lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big
ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."