Jokes and the Culture of Laugh

Originally posted by nook7
Thanks for the comic relief.
Martin

Things You Learn At The Movies


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill,
just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now. And anyone can guess what it is within three tries.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend or fire his star detective. The
detective will solve the case anyway, and get his job back.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations, and it will take longer to explain to someone else in the room what you heard than the conversation did to begin with.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will still squeal on dirt roads.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. Always cut the blue wire.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting, usually right in front of the door.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment you turn on the set. And of course, you always catch the beginning of the story just in time. Radio and
Television Programming can be interrupted at any time in order to provide important plot information.


😀😀

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


😀😀

Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at
Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security
on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy,
it was possible for a user program to trick the system into
running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state),
in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then
poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally
write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of
security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor,
and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door
was wide open.

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an
official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of
`needs to be fixed yesterday'😉. Because the text of each SIDR was
entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of
people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply
reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the
necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.

The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't
realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary
operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an
official patch.

Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support
rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to
demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be
cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be
subverted.

They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a
thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then
incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar
Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost
jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing
loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches,
and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the
system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software
development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual
phenomena. These included the following:

* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle
of a job.
* Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would
attempt to walk across the floor.
* The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of
itself and punch a lace card. These would usually jam in the
punch.
* The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin
Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa.
* The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be
instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A
(unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was
placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the
ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after
reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As
a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they
were read, leaving the operator to re collate them manually.

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers.
They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were
once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following
sequence of events took place:

!X id1

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me!
id1: Off (aborted)

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff
of Nottingham's men!

id1: Thank you, my good fellow!

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed,
and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few
milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them
simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that
the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned
out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the
kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of
programs that were to be started at boot time.

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the
system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and
reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch
for this problem.

It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management
about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question.
It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken
against either of them.

🙂🙂🙂🙂

You MAY be a Redneck If...

*
Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
*
The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
*
Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
*
You hunt from your bedroom window.
*
Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
*
You refrigerate your food stamps.
*
You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
*
You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
*
Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. If you see a sign that says "Say no to crack"...and it reminds you to hike up your jeans.
*
You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
*
You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
*
You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
*
You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
*
The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."...and you respond "About whut?"
*
You take a beer to a job interview.
*
You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
*
When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
*
You go to Goodwill to meet women.
*
You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

Nixon And Clinton

Major Scandal during their presidency....

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President.....

Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Their Vice-Presidents...

Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.

Presidential qualities.....

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Things the President couldn't explain....

Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Presidential Nicknames....

Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy

and finally, Presidential excuses....

Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn't get in her nook

Legal Quotes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Thanks you ianpickering for your contribution!

Michael (aka LittleBear)

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."


😀

That last one is my favorite one yet! Thanks Littlebear 😵

NC🙂

bear, it is not possible to keep up with you, but here is one from the veggiechess pundit:

You can't trust tailors anymore. I had this friend who ordered a custom jacket and received a vest instead. Needless to say, he felt thoroughly desleeved.

in friendship,
prad

Originally posted by ncrosby
That last one is my favorite one yet! Thanks Littlebear 😵

NC🙂

Originally posted by pradtf
bear, it is not possible to keep up with you, but here is one from the veggiechess pundit:

You can't trust tailors anymore. I had this friend who ordered a custom jacket and received a vest instead. Needless to say, he felt thoroughly desleeved.

in friendship,
prad

Originally posted by LittleBear

P.S.: ok, ok... from now on, I will post one or two jokes by day... 😵

Originally posted by pradtf
please post by night - do not give up your daytime job 😀
(people keep saying that to me so i just assumed it was good advice)

in friendship,
prad

ps i liked the computer hack one