Very disgusting.....
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
A guy comes in to a bar restuarant , and orders some lunch and a beer . He notices a monkey is loose in the bar . It's hanging from the ceiling fan , making faces , tipping over people's beer , generally being a pain in the ass . The man flags down the bartender .
"Did you know there's a monkey loose in the bar raising hell ?"
Bartender ' "Yeah , of course I know . I'm not blind ."
"So why don't you catch him , or stop him or something ?"
Bartender - " Hey , he's the owner's pet and he got loose . Nothing I can do about it . Just deal with it , ok ?"
The man watches the monkey go over to the pool table . The monkey grabs the 8 ball , puts the whole thing in his mouth and swallows it .
The man , incredulous , calls the bartender over again . "Did you see what that monkey did ? He swallowed the 8 ball !"
Bartender , "You again . Well what do you expect ? He's a crazy assed monkey . They do that sort of thing . What can I do about it ?"
The man finishes and leaves .
The next week the guy comes back to the same place , gets a beer and lunch again . He sees the monkey is still loose and still raising hell . The monkey comes over to him this time , grabs a grape from his plate . The monkey looks at the grape closely , inserts it into his anus , pulls it out , and eats it .
The man promptly calls the bartender over . "Did you see what that monkey did this time ?"
Bartender - "You again ! No , what did the monkey do this time ?"
The guy tells him about the grape .
Bartender - "Well you can't blame him , after that incident with the 8 ball , he's sizing things before he eats them ."
An oldie revamped... 🙂
God calls Fidel Castro, George Bush and Bill Gates into his office and says, "The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people."
So, Fidel Castro goes to the cuban people and says, "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days."
George Bush goes on TV and tells the American people, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives on are right - there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says, "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship a new patch for Windows XP"
😀
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, he starts chatting to the barman and the man says do you want to hear a blonde joke. There is a tap on his shoulder and when he turns round the female bouncer is looming over him.
'I'm six foot tall, and I weigh 12 stone and it's all muscle. If you look behind you you'll see Sarah, shes's the UK female bareknuckle boxing champion, and next to her is Mary, who was just released from prison for aggravated assault. We are all short tempered, prone to violence, humourless and blonde. Now are you really sure you want to tell this 'blonde' joke'
The man takes a look around at the motley collection of blondes that are now surrounding him has a sup on his pint and says..
'No you're probably right, I can't be bothered to explain it three times.'
A man is at the museum looking at the dinosaur display . Looking at one particularly large one he says to a blonde security guard "How old is that ?"
Surprisingly she confidently says "One hundred sixty five million , six months and seven days old ."
Astonished he says "Wow ! I wonder how can they date them that closely and know exactly how it's that old ?"
She says "I don't know , but when I started working here , they told me it was one hundred sixty five million years old , and that was six months and seven days ago ."
haha found some more, I'll be posting most of them 😀
number one: (you wouldn't wanna read it while eating...)
There was this guy with leprosy who loved cold draft beer. But, everytime he would go into a bar, he would be thrown out because of his awful appearance and open sores all over his body. He was persistant though and one day walked into a new place and sat down at the bar. Everyone was looking at him and he was waiting for them to throw him out. Soon, the bartender walked over and asked what he would like to drink.
"A nice cold draft!", replied the leper. The bartender filled the mug and as soon as he set it in front of the leper, he ducked in the back room and became sick and puked. The leper knew it was because of his appearance and was certain he would be thrown out. But the bartender soon returned and continued with his work. Soon the mug was empty, so the leper signalled the barkeep. The bartender brought him another beer and immediately ran into the back room again and puked. The leper was certain he would be thrown out now but the bartender soon returned and went about his business. The leper was enjoying the beer and couldn't believe he hadn't been shown the door.
"Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!", he thought to himself. He motioned for the bartender again and the bartender soon brought him another beer and again ran to the back room and puked. This time when the barkeep returned, the leper motioned for him and said,
"You know, I just want to thank you for being so kind to me. Most places I go into, I usually don't even get to sit down, let alone have a drink. But you've been very nice to me by allowing me to enjoy a few beers, even though I do make you sick everytime."
The bartender replied, "Well, it's not you that's making me sick! It's that guy next to you that keeps dipping his cracker in your arm!"
i like monkeys
the pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. i thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand. i decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so i bought 200 of them. i like monkeys.
i took my 200 monkeys home. i have a big car. i let one drive. his name was signund. he was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. they kept punching themselves in the genitals. i laughed. they punched me in the genitals. i stopped laughing.
i herded them into my room. they didn't adapt very well to their new environment. they would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. altough humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour.
two hours later, i found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. no apparent reason. they all just stort of dropped dead. kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. doggone cheap monkeys.
i didnt' know what to do. there were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. it looked like i had 200 throw rugs. i tried to flush one down the toilet. it didn't work. it got stuck. then i had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
i tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. that worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. it started to smell real bad.
i had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and i didn't want to call the plumber..i was embarrassed.
i tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time, so i had to change them every 30 seconds. i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
i tried to burn them, but little did i know that my bed was flammable. i had to extinguish the fire.
then i had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet; two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. the odor wasn't improving.
i became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and i really had to use the bathroom. so i went and severely beat one of the monkeys. i felt better.
i tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. i told him i had a wet one. he wouldn't take it either. i didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
i finally arrived at a solution. i gave them out as christmas gifts. my friends didn't quite know what to say. they pretended to like them, but i could tell they were lying. ingrates. so i punched them in the genitals.
i like monkeys.
Definitely rec'ed you on the monkeys , angie . That was brilliant .
OK , one of these things does not belong with the others - which one ?
A - Lobster
B- Clam
C- Crab
D- Chinese guy run over by a steam roller .
Answer - "B" Does not belong . A clam is a mollusk , and the other 3 are crushedasians .
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man on the other side of the room. He gets up, walks over and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down.
The chinese man then gets up, walks over to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"