Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.
The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice jester...
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery...
Whoever invented "Knock-Knock" jokes, should get a no-bell prize...
Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery...
Yo mama is so ugly she made my happy meal cry.
Yo mama is so stupid, she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and Priscilla says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message.
Twist in the tale...
Husband: But I'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you...? 🙁 😲
Husband: Near the fresh market right now.
Wife: Wait I'm coming there right now...!
After ten minutes she texts her husband "Where are you now?"
Husband: I'm back at the office. Now that you're at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need...
@mammy-blue saidI don't get why people are so upset about social distancing. The rules are, stay no closer than 6 feet from other human beings, don't go to work and sleep till noon, don't go to school, and certainly don't be intimate with anyone, etc. My life has not changed one bit.
Day 4 of social distancing: Struck up a conversation with a spider today.
Seemed nice...
He's a web designer.
@whodey saidThat reminds me of a joke which I try to reframe for US citizens:
If I die from the corona virus, for the love of God, please don't let me vote Democrat.
A lifelong Republican is about to die, the priest is with him and asks him if he can do something for him.
"I want to resign being a republican and become a democrat."
The priest is horrified about this and ask. "But why?"
"If someone has to die its better one of them than one of us."
@Ponderable
Gallup. As of December 2019, Gallup polling found that 28% of Americans identified as Democrat, 28% identified as Republican, and 41% as Independent