Jokes

@whodey

So Nancy Pelosi accidentally gets into heaven and sent an engineer to hell in her stead.

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail. About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

As soon as God turned his head Nancy then tore up those on the heaven list.

"It won't do you any good Nancy", God said, as fire boy already stated, I succinctly remember NO lawyers being on it so I don't need to even refer to the book, but nice try."

Does everyone here realize Biden came in fourth in Iowa behind a communist, a gay guy, and a fake Indian?

There is nothing like getting beat by the Village people.

A guy was having dinner with Magnus Carlsen and there was a checkered tablecloth.
- It took Magnus two hours to pass the salt.


> "Why don't you play chess with Gary anymore?"
< "Would you play with a person who cheats and moves his men around when you're not looking?"
> "No."
- "Well, neither would Gary."


Two very old men were sitting at a chess table playing when one laid a Queen and said "Check".
> "What?"
< "Check!"
> "What do you want me to check?"
< "No, I'll pick up the check."
> "You think I need to get my hearing checked?"
> "Sure, let's play checkers!"

- And that's how the Poker game ended.

FACEBOOK

The place where people add you as a friend
and walk right past you in the street
Where relationships are perfect,
affairs are started,
And liars believe they are telling the truth.
Your enemies visit your profile the most,
yet your friends and family block you
And even though you write what you really are thinking,
someone always takes it the wrong way
and people always thinks your status is about them.

Won't you sign up now?

@sonhouse said
@WOLFE63

Good one😉

Yo mama is so ugly when the devil saw her, he started praying.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all background checks, interviews and testing: Three finalists were selected; two men and a woman.

For the final test, a CIA operative took one of the men up to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” the agent explained, “Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another!

They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman; wiping the sweat from her brow.

- “This gun is loaded with blanks!” she exclaimed. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

@wolfe63 said
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all background checks, interviews and testing: Three finalists were selected; two men and a woman.

For the final test, a CIA operative took one of the men up to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” the agent explained, “Inside the room ...[text shortened]... .

- “This gun is loaded with blanks!” she exclaimed. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

LOL 😂😂😂😂

Boy, what a day.

I woke up to my wife shouting, "Get up, your are late for work!" I just smiled and said, "You're just jealous that I'm so good at it, I told her that I'm so good at it I can even do it with my eyes closed." But I got up anyway and rolled into work and I run into my boss of all people. Yay. Oddly it was the most pleasant he had ever been to me in years. He told me to have a good day so I left immediately and went home.

So I go home and who do I see, none other than my wife demanding to know why I was not at work and harping to me that we needed the money. I tried to change the subject to telling her that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised, but it just made her more angry. I decided to level with her and tell her I was just tired of working is all and walked out. Shen then yelled at me again and said I was too immature and she never should have married me in the first place, so I told her to get the hell out of my fort! She then paused and continued to yell at me some more demanding I hand her the lip stick because she was going out, so I handed her a glue stick instead. She has not spoken to me since.

At that point I realized that I may as well head to the unemployment line considering how I left my boss that day. I would tell an unemployment joke, but none of them really work. Then across the street what do I see? It was a help wanted at an Italian restaurant. Apparently the chef pasta way. So I go in to apply but turned down the job because they did not offer any French benefits. What was I thinking?

Oh well, so then I decide that the job thingy was not working out so I go into a bar thinking maybe I should be looking for a rich wife instead. So I walked into the bar and sat down. Boy did that hurt. It was embarrassing because I had not even been drinking. One of the drunks asked me for a ride to the bank before I started drinking so he could check his balance, so I pushed him over.

The bar was odd though because there were mirrors everywhere, dirty mirrors. So I tell the bartender by plight needing a job and asked if he needed any hired help. He said no, but I retorted he could hire me to clean those mirrors, it was just something I could see myself doing is all. Problem was, when I started to look intently at any of the mirrors, they all looked like eyeballs. It was then that I got weirded out and left.

Then I thought, why be so hard on myself? After all, unemployment should give me time to pursue real skills that will help further my non-existent career -

^^ Oh my god.. a joke, my man, not a dissertation lol

@earl-of-trumps said
^^ Oh my god.. a joke, my man, not a dissertation lol

What, are you a joke dissertation bigot?

A blonde woman comes into the store, points to a rack and asks the attendant behind the counter:" How much are the tv sets?"
He looks at her, and says,"We don't sell to blondes."
Angrily she leaves.
Next day she comes back, after coloring her hair brown.
"How much are those tv sets?" she asks again.
"We don't sell to blondes," is the answer again.
Furiously she leaves, only to come back the next day, and after coloring her
hair black.
"How much are those tv sets?" she demands again.
Same answer, "We don't sell to blondes"
Very much agitated, she asks " How do you know its me again??"
Attendant: " Because its not tv sets, its microwave ovens,"

@mammy-blue said
A blonde woman comes into the store, points to a rack and asks the attendant behind the counter:" How much are the tv sets?"
He looks at her, and says,"We don't sell to blondes."
Angrily she leaves.
Next day she comes back, after coloring her hair brown.
"How much are those tv sets?" she asks again.
"We don't sell to blondes," is the answer again.
Furiously she leave ...[text shortened]... asks " How do you know its me again??"
Attendant: " Because its not tv sets, its microwave ovens,"

These poor blondes...

So this blond police officer pulls over another blond. She walks up to the car and asks for her drivers license. The blond in the car asked, "What does it look like?" to which the blond police officer said, "You know, it's square looking and has your picture on it. The blond finally finds a square mirror in her purse, looks in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer who also looked at it, to which the police officer said, "Sorry, I had no idea you were a police officer." "You can go."

@whodey

I see you're rubbing it in... 🙂

I suspect my wife is selling pigs secretly...
I answered her phone this morning...
and the guy on the other side said, "Is the pig still there."