Jokes

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, “Anyone know CPR?” I said, “Hell ya. I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed...well except this one guy.🤔😲😁

Stolen from the comment section of the Grauniad:

A widower from Yorkshire goes to the monumental mason to look at his wife’s headstone. It reads: ‘She was thin’. “But you have forgotten the e!”, he exclaims. Later, he goes back to approve the revision: ‘Ee, she was thin’.

Tried to overcome my addiction to origami,

but eventually, I folded.

@ghost-of-a-duke said
Tried to overcome my addiction to origami,

but eventually, I folded.

place an ant in water
if the ant sinks, it is a girl ant
if the ant floats, it is buoyant

Just before I die, I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic.😲👍😁

You really should try blindfolded archery. You don't know what you're missing.

A fat man and a skinny man. The fat man says to the skinny man, “You look as if you’ve been through a famine.” The skinny man replies, “You look as if you caused it.”

@pianoman1 said
A fat man and a skinny man. The fat man says to the skinny man, “You look as if you’ve been through a famine.” The skinny man replies, “You look as if you caused it.”

When I was a kid, my dad accidentally glued an entire deck of my cards together. I couldn't deal with it.

I’m pining for a good tree pun, I wish they were more poplar!

@pianoman1 said
A fat man and a skinny man. The fat man says to the skinny man, “You look as if you’ve been through a famine.” The skinny man replies, “You look as if you caused it.”

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.

@great-big-stees said
I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, “Anyone know CPR?” I said, “Hell ya. I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed...well except this one guy.🤔😲😁

@kevin-eleven said
I've been through the whole thread, and this is still one of the best. 🏆