Please turn on javascript in your browser to play chess.
Only Chess Forum

Only Chess Forum

  1. 16 Sep '09 09:37
    from the adam and joe show the other day...



    The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
    The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.

    The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

  2. 16 Sep '09 12:12
    hehehe
  3. 16 Sep '09 12:36
    It's been around for a few years that one.

    I first heard it in the 80's.

    On here they were laughing about it in 2003.

    Thread 7905

    I wonder if this is the most famous Chess Joke in the world?
  4. 16 Sep '09 13:55
    Formed on another thread, polished and posted here.

    She has gone - Will you Averbach?

    Yes - her Anand her sister.

  5. 16 Sep '09 14:01
    Why did she leave Dad?

    We had a Row Son.


    OK I've started them off - over to you.
  6. 16 Sep '09 14:42
    Did you hear about the chessplayers who enjoyed competitive fishing?

    They had a Karpov
  7. 16 Sep '09 15:58
    Chessplayer to bystander:
    -You've been kibitzing my table for three hours. Want a game?
    - No, I don't have the patience.
  8. 16 Sep '09 16:58 / 1 edit
    It's not a game for strippers - they get chessed out to quickly.
  9. Standard member Eric LeFavour
    The guy
    16 Sep '09 22:50
    ......then I said ..I really AM a good chessplayer.
  10. 16 Sep '09 23:55
    No. No. No.

    (I am surrounded by fools).

    You are meant to make a pun using the the mis-pronouciation
    of a famous chess player name.

    Like the Kaprov joke. (you could have linked it to Fischer).

    Another example:

    Did your wife buy you a chess book?

    I don't know, I'll Lasker.

    Gedditt??

    Who ever said chess players are smart and intelligent has not
    met you lot.

    Now gimme jokes - I'm writing my Christmas column for SC
    (they need the copy months in advance - so these are the
    Christmas cracker jokes). I need more.
  11. 17 Sep '09 02:22 / 5 edits
    hiya pawnzy, make your own jokes. please.

    people who find red hot pawn soon find out that this isn’t the ‘pawn’ they are looking for.

    kasparov plays a match against a chess playing cat. and people give high praise to this cat for its chess playing skillz. and kasparov gets all sorts of insulted, fidgets, makes some constipated expressions, and protests ‘but i am winning 3 games to 1!’

    fischer goes to a chess tournament, hooks up with some really hot chess chick. they make out, fall in love, and soon they plan to get married. so they make all the wedding preparations, soft lighting at the ceremony, no cameras, no media, first seven rows of seats kept empty, they hold it in a church shaped like a rook, and green lights all the way to the ceremony. so the wedding day comes, both delegations arrive, reverend schmid is there, so is fischer’s best man lombardy, and the bride. but no fischer. upset, the bride dispatches lombardy to get fischer. lombardy finds fischer in his room playing with his pocket chess set. lombardy asks fischer what the hell he is doing and then fischer informs him that he is not going to the wedding. so lombardy says ‘but bobby, we’ve met your every demand!’ fischer replies, ‘yes, but i don’t want to be mated!’

    bobby when asked about his refutation of the king’s gambit, said ‘of course it is unsound, i have never won a chess game after giving up my king!’

    nimzowitsch goes to a wild party, finds a girl, a room, and asks the girl to help him put on 50 condoms. shocked, the girl asks him ‘why so many?’ nimzo replies ‘well, i am not the master of overprotection for nothing!’

    tal on keeping his queen on the board in a complicated position against byrne, ‘oh there would be no intrigue without women!’

    botvinnik went for a walk with euwe in the park in some western european country. botvinnik saw an unusual dog breed and quipped ‘they don’t have dogs like that in russia.’ euwe replied ‘no, i expect your people have eaten them all.’ botvinnik didn’t like euwe for awhile after that.

    two patzers are studying a complicated chess problem in the park when a grandmaster walks by. the chess players ask the grandmaster to help them analyze, the grandmaster kindly obliges. so the grandmaster thinks and thinks. ten minutes go by. so one of the patzers asks the gm ‘so what is your opinion.’ then the gm wipes all the pieces off the board. the players protest ‘what was that for?’ the gm replies, ‘solves that problem’ and walks away.

    alekhine to secret police after world war II, 'but i am the greatest chess master in the world!' the police reply 'nope, you're a dead man.' and so he goes.

    alekhine, drunk at some party, says, 'capablanca? yes, yes, he's definitely a virgin.' his friends say 'how do you know?' alekhine replies 'how else would you explain his success with the white pieces?'

    tal meets a prostitute. tal says 'my head is full of sunshine!' the prostitute says, 'my head is full of cum.'

    tal once had a game with a beautiful girl. soon a complicated position was reached, all sorts of sacrificing possibilities. so tal is thinking how to ask out this girl. all sorts of plans are formed, ask her out to dinner, the cinema, to the park, to his bed... and suddenly the position came clear, and after 70 more moves the game ended in a draw. so in the analysis, the girl references all the tactical possibilities stating, 'i was looking at nxe6, nxf7, bxh7+ but you did not play them.' and tal replies, 'i was looking at your cleavage.'

    how the chess world was formed:
    caissa made the chess world in 7 days and 7 nights
    on the first day came the board, the pieces, the rules. and all was good.
    on the 2nd day came steinitz, who brought order to chess. and all was good.
    on the 3rd day came botvinnik who brought a 'universal style to chess. and all was good.
    on the 4th day came fischer, who brought professionialism to chess. and all was good.
    on the 5th day came karpov, who brought prophylaxis to chess. and all was good.
    on the 6th day came kasparov, who was an arrogant arse. but all was still good.
    on the 7th day came FIDE, messing up the world championship system and the time controls. and everything SUCKED.
  12. 17 Sep '09 06:10
    A father passed on his old naughty magazines to his teenage son:

    "Thought we might recycle these - think of it as green porn"
  13. 17 Sep '09 19:26
    An Azeri footballer is getting subbed: Mamed...yar ov!

    police arrested some chessplayers for making home made bombs recently, luckily they were only filled with aronian.

    Nigel, what is your temper like?...Short.

    It's raining again, dam sky!

    You look tired joel....yeh, I've ben jamin.
  14. 17 Sep '09 20:33
    tried to edit but it didn't seem to work so.

    'Butler! where are you?' .....'Yue Wang my lord?'

    I've bought peter some toys....its a leko set.

    Sergey was arrested recently, apparently he has been caught kar jakin.

    Daniel was released from prison recently, he was a Frid man.

    "Alex, are you lying to me?" 'i'd never lie to you, onis chuk.'

    sorry got carried away.
  15. 17 Sep '09 21:28
    Some good stuff here - I will use the Leko set for sure.

    Is there anything from TAl - TALcumpowder - Talgunpowder.

    The lankyl attacking chess player who was 7 foot tal....Nah

    Then there was the mix up in the changing room.

    Hort had Short's shorts and Short had Hort's shorts.

    Deadline is tonight so I'm off to wrap it up....cheeers.