The flying Spaghetti Monster
12 Oct '07 15:34Well, God's and deities being a dime a dozen these days has really flustered my little brain!
I mean, how am I supposed to know which God is the right one? It seems they all preach hell and damnation if I choose the wrong one! And they all seem to make it perfectly clear that they are the correct one; the one and only one...
So, I went out a lookin' to see which religion had the best secondary conditions. And the first on my agenda was Islam.
Now, Islam starts off with a few points that have to be addressed. Pigs and booze. No spare ribs to accompany the beer and no wine to accompany the wild boar in mushroom and truffle sauce. A serious drawback for any religion, if you ask me. Which you should be. I'm not doing all this research for the cat's bollocks, you know.
The big draw with Islam is obviously the 70+ virgins when you die. Which man wouldn't want that?
Well. I thought about it. And my conclusion is that anybody who wants to put up with 70+ women and their PMT is probably a lot more patient than I to start with.
Then there's the horrendous use of teeth most virgins suffer when they're giving head. That can't be a good thing. 70 BJ's on and you're definitely in need of soothing cream and bandages. Never mind the: "Ooooh... it's too soon"'s and the "I'm not ready to do that"'s.
So Islam doesn't rake in many points on my god-o-meter, I'm afraid.
Next was Christianity. One God. Well. One God, a holy ghost and a carpenter's son. So three, basically. Well, two of them are actually appearances of God; sort of like Shiva and Vishnu are to Brahman.
And then there's the whole up-tight thing with sex these Christians have. No sex before marriage, no BJ's in Alabama (what is it all about), no condoms. No wait, there's a separation which does allow condoms, but no paintings of Mary. Was that Mary the whore or Mary the mother... immaculate conception; bearing Jesus the descendant of David down on us. But wait a minute, wasn't Joseph the descendant of David? And obviously Joseph isn't related to Jesus. The fairy-thing is.
The God-o-meter says that Christianity is just WAY too complicated...
Judaism.
This looked promising. The mother of all religions (well, religions with one God... or three...) and a history dripping with... well... fear, fleeing and suffering, actually, when I come to think of it.
On the + side, you do get to make very good jokes. But, the tragedy is that you always have to whine, moan and feel sorry for yourself. And you can't speak your God's name. So you have to call him jawa or something. Which probably is copyrighted by Lucas.
No, Judaism doesn't score well on the God-o-meter either.
The last religion I looked into was the cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Now, on the downside, creationist pigs do tend to send you hate mail if you're a member. But, on the up-side, this religion has a more relaxed Top 10 of behaviour, you can still respect other religions and as a bonus... you get to piss of creationists well you're at it! What more would you want?
The God-o-meter suggests joining the FSM!
Now, this still hasn't addressed the problem of: "What if you've picked the wrong deity?" Which is a conan.. conunde...canundu... problem if ever I spelled one.
But. If you're going to choose a God (with equal chances of choosing the wrong one, no matter which one you pick), why not pick one that flies and has easier conditions to live by?
I'm glad to have been of assistance.
http://www.venganza.org/
I mean, how am I supposed to know which God is the right one? It seems they all preach hell and damnation if I choose the wrong one! And they all seem to make it perfectly clear that they are the correct one; the one and only one...
So, I went out a lookin' to see which religion had the best secondary conditions. And the first on my agenda was Islam.
Now, Islam starts off with a few points that have to be addressed. Pigs and booze. No spare ribs to accompany the beer and no wine to accompany the wild boar in mushroom and truffle sauce. A serious drawback for any religion, if you ask me. Which you should be. I'm not doing all this research for the cat's bollocks, you know.
The big draw with Islam is obviously the 70+ virgins when you die. Which man wouldn't want that?
Well. I thought about it. And my conclusion is that anybody who wants to put up with 70+ women and their PMT is probably a lot more patient than I to start with.
Then there's the horrendous use of teeth most virgins suffer when they're giving head. That can't be a good thing. 70 BJ's on and you're definitely in need of soothing cream and bandages. Never mind the: "Ooooh... it's too soon"'s and the "I'm not ready to do that"'s.
So Islam doesn't rake in many points on my god-o-meter, I'm afraid.
Next was Christianity. One God. Well. One God, a holy ghost and a carpenter's son. So three, basically. Well, two of them are actually appearances of God; sort of like Shiva and Vishnu are to Brahman.
And then there's the whole up-tight thing with sex these Christians have. No sex before marriage, no BJ's in Alabama (what is it all about), no condoms. No wait, there's a separation which does allow condoms, but no paintings of Mary. Was that Mary the whore or Mary the mother... immaculate conception; bearing Jesus the descendant of David down on us. But wait a minute, wasn't Joseph the descendant of David? And obviously Joseph isn't related to Jesus. The fairy-thing is.
The God-o-meter says that Christianity is just WAY too complicated...
Judaism.
This looked promising. The mother of all religions (well, religions with one God... or three...) and a history dripping with... well... fear, fleeing and suffering, actually, when I come to think of it.
On the + side, you do get to make very good jokes. But, the tragedy is that you always have to whine, moan and feel sorry for yourself. And you can't speak your God's name. So you have to call him jawa or something. Which probably is copyrighted by Lucas.
No, Judaism doesn't score well on the God-o-meter either.
The last religion I looked into was the cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Now, on the downside, creationist pigs do tend to send you hate mail if you're a member. But, on the up-side, this religion has a more relaxed Top 10 of behaviour, you can still respect other religions and as a bonus... you get to piss of creationists well you're at it! What more would you want?
The God-o-meter suggests joining the FSM!
Now, this still hasn't addressed the problem of: "What if you've picked the wrong deity?" Which is a conan.. conunde...canundu... problem if ever I spelled one.
But. If you're going to choose a God (with equal chances of choosing the wrong one, no matter which one you pick), why not pick one that flies and has easier conditions to live by?
I'm glad to have been of assistance.
http://www.venganza.org/
Back to Top