A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse,
And spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus
And walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward
To feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little
Burst of flatulence (fart) escaped her
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
Anyone had noticed. There standing directly behind her
Was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her,
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying To maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
Nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir,
What is the price of this lovely Vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very
Sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're
Gonna $h1t when you hear the price.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife opt for vanilla."
The dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him the head and call him fat head?"
The husband said, "There are 3 things in life a man wants:The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's mine!!!The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house and i got one on the edge of town. The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until this fat head came along!!!"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.
Bubba says "We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Lexington, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear
your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they don't know we is from Kentucky."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and....."
"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
Presidential Flight
The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw
a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00
bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his
co-pilot, "Such big shots back there ..... heck, I could throw all
of them out the window and make 56 million people
very happy."
A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom
first."
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet
and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they make mad passionate love for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way
she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy b1tch."