funny quotes

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill

Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence.

Edgar Allan Poe

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

Mark Twain:
"The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right."

Old Inuit proverb ....Love many, trust few but always paddle your own canoe .

"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt." -Henny Youngman

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...
-anon

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. - W. H. Auden

Surprised Oscar Wilde hasn't appeared yet. Here are a few:

1. I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

2. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

3. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

4. It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

5. The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

6. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

7. What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

8. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

9. When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

10. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

11. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

12. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

13. True friends stab you in the front.

14. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

15. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

16. There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

17. Genius is born—not paid.

18. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.

19. How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?

20. A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.

Originally posted by Pianoman1
Surprised Oscar Wilde hasn't appeared yet. Here are a few:

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he has a whole thread of his own 🙂

Thread 161301

We had no Democrat support. We had no votes from the Democrats. They weren't going to give us a single vote, so it's a very very difficult thing to do.

Donald Trump (GOP President with the GOP having the majority)

“Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.”
― Veronica Roth

I tried to drown my sorrows but the bastards learned how to swim...

― Frida Kahlo