funny quotes

"By all means marry;
if you get a good wife,
you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you’ll become a philosopher."
~ Socrates

He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.
Saki
British (Burman-born) short story author (1870 - 1916)

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, "The Poet at the Breakfast-Table", 1872
US author & physician (1809 - 1894)

“The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.”

Saki

With great power comes great electricity bill!

Found on the internet without source

"Education costs money, but then so does ignorance." - Claus Moser

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

Yogi Berra

Originally posted by @orangutan
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

Yogi Berra

i will solve problems you did not know you had,
using methods you will not understand...

-on an engineer's coffee cup

"I had to poop so urgently this morning that I did it on my time instead of my employers."

Read a Publisher’s Rejection Letter to Gertrude Stein
by Caitlin Schneider

"In 1912, Gertrude Stein sent a manuscript to London-based publisher Alfred C. Fifield. The modernist author, known for her avant-garde and at times impenetrable prose, had sent what would later be The Making of Americans: Being a History of a Family’s Progress, published in 1925. The novel is one of Stein’s more challenging works, using present participle, limited vocabulary, and a lot of repetition...


April 19, 1912.

Dear Madam,

I am only one, only one, only one. Only one being, one at the same time. Not two, not three, only one. Only one life to live, only sixty minutes in one hour. Only one pair of eyes. Only one brain. Only one being. Being only one, having only one pair of eyes, having only one time, having only one life, I cannot read your M.S. three or four times. Not even one time. Only one look, only one look is enough. Hardly one copy would sell here. Hardly one. Hardly one.

Many thanks. I am returning the M.S. by registered post. Only one M.S. by one post.

Sincerely yours,

(Signed 'A. C. Fifield)

Originally posted by @torunn
Read a Publisher’s Rejection Letter to Gertrude Stein
by Caitlin Schneider

"In 1912, Gertrude Stein sent a manuscript to London-based publisher Alfred C. Fifield. The modernist author, known for her avant-garde and at times impenetrable prose, had sent what would later be The Making of Americans: Being a History of a Family’s Progress, published in 1925. ...[text shortened]... S. by registered post. Only one M.S. by one post.

Sincerely yours,

(Signed 'A. C. Fifield)

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Ronald Reagan

"If our leaders seek to conceal the truth, or we as people become accepting of alternative realities that are no longer grounded in facts, then we as American citizens are on a pathway to relinquishing our freedom."

Rex Tillerson

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
- Charles de Gaulle