A long time ago, oh… way before you were born, I was a reknown sex God.
No, don’t let the avatar distract you, I was sex on legs, porn in bed and Godly on toilets; admittadly, not all my venues were quite as pristine and scrubbed as one would have liked.
Anyways, those days are long behind me. After pooping my way through India, realising there’s more hair on my scrotum than on my head and gaining enough weight to justify a gastric bypass, a certain aura of desperation now surrounds me.
Yes. Where once I sweated pheremones and oozed virility, I now smell of cheap chip fat and slowly seep urine into my over-washed boxers (with faded witty text on them, obviously).
So, after much deliberation I’ve decided to join a dating site. Yes, like so many other people who are more suited to watch TV than to disco dance, I’m opting for an internet date. The problem is, I can’t seem to think up something to write about myself.
And that’s where I thought you could all help me! Nobody on this dear planet is wittier, more up to date on how to seduce the opposite sex or better suited to instruct me on how to use dating sites than online chess players! You must rule supreme!
This is what I have so far:
Unemployed, homeless 35 year old male is looking for attractive, 25 to 42 year old female with a car. Slight physical handicaps are not important; blindness or deafness is even welcome.
I’m not skinny and I don’t have long hair.
Personally, I’m not too partial to the Bergen Belsen look, but should your ribs be countable, don’t worry! I’m an excellent cook!
I’m not sure if I should drop the “blindness” part of it, because that might seem a contradiction with the car requirement, but basically, if she has a car, then I can drive her around in it!
My hobbies are playing online chess and I have a few other sites I frequent too.
I watch a lot of Discovery channel and know a lot about the human body and the Da Vinci code.
Let me know how to spice this up. I really need a good shag. Thank you.
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Edit: I say "good", but obviously beggers can't be choosers, so any old shag will suffice.
Originally posted by shavixmirThis is me in 10 years. Oh, Christ!
A long time ago, oh… way before you were born, I was a reknown sex God.
No, don’t let the avatar distract you, I was sex on legs, porn in bed and Godly on toilets; admittadly, not all my venues were quite as pristine and scrubbed as one would have liked.
Anyways, those days are long behind me. After pooping my way through India, realising there’s more ...[text shortened]... -
Edit: I say "good", but obviously beggers can't be choosers, so any old shag will suffice.
Originally posted by dylYup.
This is me in 10 years. Oh, Christ!
When you're 25 and waking up to bulging underwear each morning and you haven't had sex in a month, you start thinking: "Oh no...I'm in my prime!!! What will I do?"
But when you're 35 and you haven't had sex since....God, does memory stretch that far? You wake up needing the toilet at 4am and thinking: "Oh no... only 5 years and then I'll be too old to even be bothered!"
Originally posted by shavixmirI'm in transition at the mo, 28 as of september. I'M STARING 30 IN THE FACE, AHHHH!!! I have made it my mission to play the field like 30 rugby teams in the World cup finals!! Why it took me 28 years to come to this conclusion i don't know, one thing i do know is i'm damned if i'm gonna hit 40 with regrets, NO SIR!!
Yup.
When you're 25 and waking up to bulging underwear each morning and you haven't had sex in a month, you start thinking: "Oh no...I'm in my prime!!! What will I do?"
But when you're 35 and you haven't had sex since....God, does memory stretch that far? You wake up needing the toilet at 4am and thinking: "Oh no... only 5 years and then I'll be too old to even be bothered!"
- Joined
- 05 Oct 05
- Moves
- 63425
Originally posted by shavixmirHilarious as always.
A long time ago, oh… way before you were born, I was a reknown sex God.
No, don’t let the avatar distract you, I was sex on legs, porn in bed and Godly on toilets; admittadly, not all my venues were quite as pristine and scrubbed as one would have liked.
Anyways, those days are long behind me. After pooping my way through India, realising there’s more ...[text shortened]... -
Edit: I say "good", but obviously beggers can't be choosers, so any old shag will suffice.
Originally posted by shavixmirMuch too long.
A long time ago, oh… way before you were born, I was a reknown sex God.
No, don’t let the avatar distract you, I was sex on legs, porn in bed and Godly on toilets; admittadly, not all my venues were quite as pristine and scrubbed as one would have liked.
Anyways, those days are long behind me. After pooping my way through India, realising there’s more ...[text shortened]... -
Edit: I say "good", but obviously beggers can't be choosers, so any old shag will suffice.
Unemployed, homeless, fat, bald, sex-obsessed and desperate 35 year old male is looking for attractive, 25 to 42 year old female with a car.
They'll probably think all the bad stuff is a joke because nobody would want to put xymselves down like that.
Originally posted by shavixmirLike they say, what do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A long time ago, oh… way before you were born, I was a reknown sex God.
No, don’t let the avatar distract you, I was sex on legs, porn in bed and Godly on toilets; admittadly, not all my venues were quite as pristine and scrubbed as one would have liked.
Anyways, those days are long behind me. After pooping my way through India, realising there’s more ...[text shortened]... -
Edit: I say "good", but obviously beggers can't be choosers, so any old shag will suffice.
Homeless...... I know its been done before, SJ!
Originally posted by shavixmirthe end of line must be nigh for you shav.
[b]
This is what I have so far:
Unemployed, homeless 35 year old male is looking for attractive, 25 to 42 year old female with a car. Slight physical handicaps are not important; blindness or deafness is even welcome.
I’m not skinny and I don’t have long hair.
Personally, I’m not too partial to the Bergen Belsen look, but should your ribs be countable, don’t worry! I’m an excellent cook!
when you are retrenched for incompetence from the local sandwich bar, the next best thing in line must be suicide.
anyhow try:
looking for an unattractive female with physical handicaps matching my own or otherwise.
should improve the chances of replies untold times
Originally posted by shavixmirWell, if you're gonna go and get all OLD and crap then you must have $$$! LOTSA $$$. The more $$$ you have the better chances of you getting laid, dude. 😵
A long time ago, oh… way before you were born, I was a reknown sex God.
No, don’t let the avatar distract you, I was sex on legs, porn in bed and Godly on toilets; admittadly, not all my venues were quite as pristine and scrubbed as one would have liked.
Anyways, those days are long behind me. After pooping my way through India, realising there’s more ...[text shortened]... -
Edit: I say "good", but obviously beggers can't be choosers, so any old shag will suffice.