At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Just one lady in front of me . .. an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
GRANNY.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
This started out as a true event, but since my memory is not accurate as to the details, I can only say truthfully that it is based on a factual story. A captain of a large ocean-liner was steaming on his way one dark night when he saw a light straight ahead. Soon the message was sent to his navigator, "Turn 10 degrees to starboard". The captain, not a little aware of his own importance, the size of his vessel, and his intent to keep on schedule, messaged back, "Negative, YOU turn 10 degrees to YOUR starboard!" Soon he received the terse answer, "Imperative you turn immediately 10 degrees starboard!" The pompous captain fired back, "This is the captain of such and such ship, NOW...~&#+~...will you give way?" The message came back, "I am a lighthouse."