A horse walks into a bar, already stonking drunk, and asks for a bucket of beer. The barman takes one look at him, says: 'I think not!', and promptly disappears in a puff of illogic.

Now, people familiar with philosophy are laughing (if only slightly). Others might have benefited from a bit of explanation up-front. However, that would've been putting Descartes before the horse.

@earl-of-trumps said
A baby seal walks into a club

@gambrel said
Chuck Norris knows what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything"

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin

Divegeester

Dyslexics are teople poo

I removed the shells from a couple of snails, thinking it would make them faster. But no, now they're actually more sluggish.

I met my wife at a dance club,
which was kind of embarrassing.
I thought she was at home with the kids . . .

@badradger said
Divegeester

My mate Dave has one leg and works in a brewery.

He's in charge of the hops.

One child says to the other: "I can spell dirty words with my alphabet soup!" Child 2: "Mine only spells oooOOOoo..." Child 1: "That's because you're not eating alphabet soup, silly, you're having Cheerios."

I learned how to swim by being tossed into the deep end of a pool.

One of my brothers later confided: "They weren't trying to teach you how to swim."