Religous jokes

After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:

-"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features,
the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."

Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her
for a while he said:

-"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."

Originally posted by stocken
After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:

-"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features,
the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."

Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her
for a while he said:

-"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."

*distances himself from imminent backlash*

{tip toe tip toe}

Originally posted by stocken
-"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."

The expression: "More guts than brains" comes to mind...
😀

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"

Bulletin Bloopers

1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=919&id=1

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave me alone, you religious nuts!", followed by a big splash, when the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Jesus to hotel clerk,
"Would you put me up for the night?"

Who paid for the Last Supper?
Christ got nailed for it.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out
next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him
and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, and feasting on God's Holy Word,
and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is
until you try to circumcise a bear."

I believe a church one had the following sermons listed for the day:

Morning Sermon- Jesus walks on water
Evening Sermon- Searching for Jesus

Ok, try this one- it's actually pretty native as far as humour goes, but I'll try and tell it anyway.

A man visiting a small village in Ireland sensibly walks down to the local pub for a pint. Outside he is confronted by a nun.

"Stop there!", she cried out, "for the sake of Heaven, do not lower yourself to these depths, do not enter this house of sin and temptation".

The man replies, "What do you mean?"

"Drink is a terrible abomination", says she, "for it corrupts the weak and their good intentions. Forsake this temptation, and find the road to salvation".

"Wait now", say he "how can you stand there and preach to me about drink, for it is a pleasure you have never known. Before you can understand something, you need to try it. Otherwise, how can you know it's a bad thing?"

"Well, I suppose I can't", says she "you do have a point there, i must admit".

"How about this", suggests the man "let me go into that pub there- you don't even have to go inside- I'll order you a small drink, and then when you have tasted it, I will listen to and respect your opinion on the evils of drink".

"Well... if it will help you to find your path to God..." says the nun, "alright. I'll do this one thing for you."

"Ok, what would you like?"

"Oh, I don't quite know. What do people drink, anyway?"

"Listen, don't worry, I'll go in and get you a whiskey."

"Wait though", says she "if people see me drinking from a whiskey glass, they might get the wrong impression. Best ask for it in a tea cup."

"Ok, I'm on my way".

The man walks inside the pub, and up to the bar. He asks the bartender "One pint of Guinness please, and... well this might sound a bit strange, but could I please have a shot of whiskey in a teacup?"

The bartender holds his hand to his head and says "Jaysus, is that old drunk of a nun out there again, for feck's sake!?"

A Jew walks into a pub with an old testament and a knife.

A short time later, a Christian walks into the pub with a new testament and a gun.

Later still, a Muslim enters the bar with a copy of the Koran and a bomb tied to his waist.

They all discarded their religious texts, put down their weapons, and learned to live in perfect harmony for all eternity.

Originally posted by howardgee
A Jew walks into a pub with an old testament and a knife.

A short time later, a Christian walks into the pub with a new testament and a gun.

Later still, a Muslim enters the bar with a copy of the Koran and a bomb tied to his waist.

They all discarded their religious texts, put down their weapons, and learned to live in perfect harmony for all eternity.

Atheism for dummies.

Originally posted by lucifershammer
Atheism for dummies.

Just so you can understand it.

Originally posted by howardgee
Just so you can understand it.

No problems. Anything to help you graduate kindergarten.