1. Joined
    23 Sep '05
    Moves
    11774
    01 Feb '06 16:20
    After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:

    -"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features,
    the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."

    Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her
    for a while he said:

    -"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."
  2. Et in Arcadia ego...
    Joined
    02 Feb '05
    Moves
    1666
    01 Feb '06 16:31
    Originally posted by stocken
    After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:

    -"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features,
    the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."

    Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her
    for a while he said:

    -"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."
    *distances himself from imminent backlash*

    {tip toe tip toe}
  3. Joined
    11 Jan '06
    Moves
    469
    01 Feb '06 16:55
    Originally posted by stocken
    -"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."
    The expression: "More guts than brains" comes to mind...
    😀
  4. Colorado
    Joined
    11 May '04
    Moves
    11981
    01 Feb '06 21:48
    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

    After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

    In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

    "Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

    The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

    "Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"
  5. Joined
    23 Sep '05
    Moves
    11774
    01 Feb '06 22:181 edit
    Bulletin Bloopers

    1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

    3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

    4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

    5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    ---

    http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=919&id=1
  6. Joined
    23 Sep '05
    Moves
    11774
    01 Feb '06 22:28
    A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

    One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave me alone, you religious nuts!", followed by a big splash, when the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
  7. Forgotten
    Joined
    15 Sep '04
    Moves
    4459
    02 Feb '06 02:12
    Jesus to hotel clerk,
    "Would you put me up for the night?"
  8. Not Kansas
    Joined
    10 Jul '04
    Moves
    6405
    02 Feb '06 02:53
    Who paid for the Last Supper?
    Christ got nailed for it.
  9. Not Kansas
    Joined
    10 Jul '04
    Moves
    6405
    02 Feb '06 19:22
    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
    students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get
    together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
    that hard A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
    another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
    the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
    various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
    find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
    Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
    me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
    Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out
    next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
    both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
    he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
    and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY
    WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him
    and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
    another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
    hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
    spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, and feasting on God's Holy Word,
    and praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
    was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
    of him. He was in bad shape.

    The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is
    until you try to circumcise a bear."
  10. Joined
    06 May '05
    Moves
    1771
    02 Feb '06 19:28
    I believe a church one had the following sermons listed for the day:

    Morning Sermon- Jesus walks on water
    Evening Sermon- Searching for Jesus
  11. Et in Arcadia ego...
    Joined
    02 Feb '05
    Moves
    1666
    03 Feb '06 12:501 edit
    Ok, try this one- it's actually pretty native as far as humour goes, but I'll try and tell it anyway.

    A man visiting a small village in Ireland sensibly walks down to the local pub for a pint. Outside he is confronted by a nun.

    "Stop there!", she cried out, "for the sake of Heaven, do not lower yourself to these depths, do not enter this house of sin and temptation".

    The man replies, "What do you mean?"

    "Drink is a terrible abomination", says she, "for it corrupts the weak and their good intentions. Forsake this temptation, and find the road to salvation".

    "Wait now", say he "how can you stand there and preach to me about drink, for it is a pleasure you have never known. Before you can understand something, you need to try it. Otherwise, how can you know it's a bad thing?"

    "Well, I suppose I can't", says she "you do have a point there, i must admit".

    "How about this", suggests the man "let me go into that pub there- you don't even have to go inside- I'll order you a small drink, and then when you have tasted it, I will listen to and respect your opinion on the evils of drink".

    "Well... if it will help you to find your path to God..." says the nun, "alright. I'll do this one thing for you."

    "Ok, what would you like?"

    "Oh, I don't quite know. What do people drink, anyway?"

    "Listen, don't worry, I'll go in and get you a whiskey."

    "Wait though", says she "if people see me drinking from a whiskey glass, they might get the wrong impression. Best ask for it in a tea cup."

    "Ok, I'm on my way".

    The man walks inside the pub, and up to the bar. He asks the bartender "One pint of Guinness please, and... well this might sound a bit strange, but could I please have a shot of whiskey in a teacup?"

    The bartender holds his hand to his head and says "Jaysus, is that old drunk of a nun out there again, for feck's sake!?"
  12. Cosmos
    Joined
    21 Jan '04
    Moves
    11184
    03 Feb '06 14:34
    A Jew walks into a pub with an old testament and a knife.

    A short time later, a Christian walks into the pub with a new testament and a gun.

    Later still, a Muslim enters the bar with a copy of the Koran and a bomb tied to his waist.

    They all discarded their religious texts, put down their weapons, and learned to live in perfect harmony for all eternity.
  13. London
    Joined
    02 Mar '04
    Moves
    36063
    03 Feb '06 14:40
    Originally posted by howardgee
    A Jew walks into a pub with an old testament and a knife.

    A short time later, a Christian walks into the pub with a new testament and a gun.

    Later still, a Muslim enters the bar with a copy of the Koran and a bomb tied to his waist.

    They all discarded their religious texts, put down their weapons, and learned to live in perfect harmony for all eternity.
    Atheism for dummies.
  14. Cosmos
    Joined
    21 Jan '04
    Moves
    11184
    03 Feb '06 14:43
    Originally posted by lucifershammer
    Atheism for dummies.
    Just so you can understand it.
  15. London
    Joined
    02 Mar '04
    Moves
    36063
    03 Feb '06 14:59
    Originally posted by howardgee
    Just so you can understand it.
    No problems. Anything to help you graduate kindergarten.
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