Religous jokes

So, does any of you have good, religious jokes to share? I know, mine weren't exactly the funniest ever, but surely that only means you can do better? 🙂

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man
and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please,"
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

I MIGHT HAVE POSTED THIS BEFORE BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
🙂

Originally posted by checkbaiter
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He o ...[text shortened]...
I MIGHT HAVE POSTED THIS BEFORE BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
🙂

Despite being drunk, and feeling under the weather at the moment, it still made me smile. Thanks! 🙂

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Scientology.

Originally posted by scottishinnz
I rather like this one;

http://www.afunnypic.com/index.php?id=425

L

Sorry, but that one actually is offensive to Christians.

Originally posted by lucifershammer
Sorry, but that one actually is offensive to Christians.

Why? An un-named chap is being crucified, but instead of using nails they've used 'no more nails'. I would say that a glue that can support a human's weight is pretty impressive, miraculous even.

[edit; oh, and Christianity is offensive to me, so that makes it just about even then]

Originally posted by scottishinnz
Why? An un-named chap is being crucified, but instead of using nails they've used 'no more nails'. I would say that a glue that can support a human's weight is pretty impressive, miraculous even.

[edit; oh, and Christianity is offensive to me, so that makes it just about even then]

Please. I give you more credit than that.

If you find Christianity offensive, I can assure you that Christianity isn't going out of its way to offend scottishinnz. Which is more than I can say for the cartoon...

Originally posted by lucifershammer
Sorry, but that one actually is offensive to Christians.

And mine isn't?

Christ, I need to try harder.

EDIT: No, Jesus, that is not a prayer.

I agree. I found darvlay's joke several times more inciting.

Maybe LH just didn't have the balls to stand up to darvlay and took it out on scottishnz. I don't blame him. The Wolfpack has darvlay's back, even though he's Canadian.

Originally posted by DoctorScribbles
I agree. I found darvlay's joke several times more inciting.

Maybe LH just didn't have the balls to stand up to darvlay and took it out on scottishnz. I don't blame him. The Wolfpack has darvlay's back, even though he's Canadian.

The reason is much simpler - darvlay's image simply wouldn't open in my browser. "Page not found".

Originally posted by lucifershammer
The reason is much simpler - darvlay's image simply wouldn't open in my browser. "Page not found".

The meat of the joke is in the punchline. The image is a standard crucifix image.

Originally posted by checkbaiter
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." ...[text shortened]... Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Some of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Thanks.