A Church of England vicar, a Roman Catholic Priest, and a Lutheran Pastor were discussing what they do with the cash from the 'collection' plates and boxes.
"I count it all out carefully, with the Church Treasurer, and then divide it into two equal amounts. One half is for the Lord's work, and the other half is for the costs of running the Vicarage." said the Vicar.
"I do a similar thing" said the Priest."...but I just roughly divide it into 2 and use it the same as you".
"Much the same with me" said the Pastor. "I throw it all up into the air, and say 'You take what you want God, and I'll have the remainder'."
Two priests regularly rode their bikes to church every Sunday. One day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was. The first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you do is read the Ten Commandments to the flock, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bike back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the priest asked.
The other said, "Well sort of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I had left it."
A bloke flops down on a bus seat next to a priest. The man's tie is dirty, his face is covered with lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of rum is sticking out of his torn suit pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the bloke turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Loose living; cheap wicked women; too much booze; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest.
"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."
There was a bloke called Darfius, who lived near a river.
Darfius was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Darfius was forced to climb onto his roof.
While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Darfius to get in the boat with him.
Darfius says "No, thanks. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat rows away.
The water rises, so Darfius climbs higher on his roof.
At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Darfius to get in.
Darfius replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Darfius climbs up his chimney.
Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Darfius to climb up the ladder and get in.
Darfius tells her "That's ok."
The woman says "Are you sure?"
Darfius says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Darfius drowns.
Darfius ascends to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Darfius says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
Celestine was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was snoozing, "Tell me, Celestine, who created the universe?"
When Celestine didn't budge, David, an altruistic lad seated behind her, used a pin to jabbed her in the bum.
"God almighty!" shouted Celestine and the teacher said, "Very good" and Celestine fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Celestine, "Who is our lord and saviour," but Celestine snoozed on.
Once again, David came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" yelped Celestine and the teacher said, "Very good," and Celestine fell back into slumber.
Then the teacher asked Celestine a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, David jabbed Celestine with the pin.
This time Celestine jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
And just so that Darf can't claim that I only post jokes about Christians:
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
Unfortunately, owing to his diet, he had bad breath...
He came to be known as the "super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Bruce was feeling crook so he went to his doctor. The patient who was before him turned out to be a nun, and when she left the doctor's office whe was looking haggard, drawn and down right miserable.
On seeing the doctor, Bruce couldn't help himself. "Err, that nun who came out of your office, she looked terrible. I hope she's going to be OK."
The doctor looked at Bruce and said "Yes, well I told her that she was pregnant."
"Oh!", said Bruce, "I see that would upset her."
"Yes, it worked well," retorted the doctor, "stopped her hiccups immediately!"
A young priest gets up goes to breakfast.
On his way two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters," and they reply, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been polite but he walks on.
He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." The priest replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Now the priest was cross. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone.
The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you wish from me."
The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Mary's shoes?"