1. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
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    10 Apr '05 13:31
    In a monastery, a novice monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join others in copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

    He had to speak. "Forgive me, Father James, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"

    Father James was stunned. Nobody had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

    He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

    The monks were getting worried about Father James. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father James," he cried.

    The crying grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him.

    "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father James, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
  2. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
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    12 Apr '05 11:55
    Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to giveaway was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing, "God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
    Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to."
    On and on he went like an excited little boy who...well ... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability.
    And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
    "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"
    "Oh yes," He said, "Multiple Orgasms..."
  3. Standard memberAlcra
    Lazy Sod
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    14 Apr '05 12:51
    A blind beggar is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is eating a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
    Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this rubbish?"
  4. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
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    16 Apr '05 11:53
    A Priest explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous this time around. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.  After the offering plates were passed about the church, the Priest glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously put in a $100 note. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who 
    placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand.

    The Priest asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The Priest told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. 
    Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. 
    She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
  5. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
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    19 Apr '05 12:16
    One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

    The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

    The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard stone floor."

    The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

    A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

    The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, women with brooms, and kids. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

    The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful new set of roller skates.

    About a week later, the Lord drops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

    The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

    The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
  6. Joined
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    19 Apr '05 18:29

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  7. Standard memberAlcra
    Lazy Sod
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    21 Apr '05 12:41

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  8. Standard memberjimmyb270
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    21 Apr '05 12:55

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  9. Standard memberAlcra
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    21 Apr '05 13:55

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  10. Standard memberjimmyb270
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    21 Apr '05 14:06

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  11. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
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    26 Apr '05 13:19
    The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if hewould hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

    "Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

    "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess." "It's worse, Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay me for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors."

    The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

    "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask one more question?"

    "Of course, my son," said the priest.

    The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over."
  12. Joined
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    31 Jul '05 15:04
    Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits paritally blocked the view)
    Three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.In a very loud voice, the first guy said,
    "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
    The second guy spoke up and said,
    "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE."
    The third guy said,
    "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

    One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said,

    "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any nuns there."
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