1. Standard memberxs
    Incroyant
    tinyurl.com/ksdwu
    Joined
    22 Sep '04
    Moves
    4728
    05 Mar '05 15:00
    After God created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. God said, "Adam, I've decided to make a woman for you. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
    Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
    The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
    Adam replied, "What can I get for a rib?"
  2. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
    Joined
    16 Nov '03
    Moves
    88863
    21 Mar '05 11:271 edit
    In the UK and Australia, roosters are called cockerels or cocks...(The US, being a puritanical place, couldn't abide this and came up with the term rooster - which given that female chickes (or chooks if you are australian) also roost, was a very strange term). Anyway, here's one from a chook lover:

    ---------

    The priest in a village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the chook house out behind his manse. He had a cockerel and ten hens.

    Well, one night, the cock was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church on Sunday.

    At the service, he asked the gathering, "Who's got a cock?"

    All the men stood up.

    "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

    All the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that isn't theirs?"

    Half the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said exasperated with himself, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"

    Up stood four nuns, three priests and five altar boys... 😵
  3. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
    Joined
    16 Nov '03
    Moves
    88863
    22 Mar '05 09:40
    In the Beginning...

    And she was good.
    And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
    And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself.
    And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.

    And it was good.

    She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob.

    And God created man.
  4. Standard memberAlcra
    Lazy Sod
    Everywhere
    Joined
    12 Oct '04
    Moves
    8623
    22 Mar '05 13:24
    What did Adam say to Eve in the garden of Eden?

    Stand back! I don't know how big this *thing* is going to get!

  5. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
    Joined
    16 Nov '03
    Moves
    88863
    23 Mar '05 02:48
    Bruce, the Sunday school teacher asked the children just before he sent them off to church, "And why should you be quiet in church?" 
    Precocious Emma leapt up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
  6. Standard memberAlcra
    Lazy Sod
    Everywhere
    Joined
    12 Oct '04
    Moves
    8623
    23 Mar '05 14:55
    Originally posted by Maustrauser
    Bruce, the Sunday school teacher asked the children just before he sent them off to church, "And why should you be quiet in church?"
    Precocious Emma leapt up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
    39 nine days into the Great Flood, and Noah is holding a staff meeting

    "Point 1: Who is on poop scoop duty today?"

    later

    "Point 8: Space is running short on the ark - I have just one question: Who the f@#k brought the rabbits!"



  7. Joined
    17 Mar '04
    Moves
    82844
    23 Mar '05 15:42
    There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

    "Bed... hard..." said the monk.

    "I see," replied the head monk.

    Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

    "Food... stinks..." said the monk.

    "I see," replied the head monk.

    Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"

    "I... quit!" said the monk.

    "Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."

  8. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
    Joined
    16 Nov '03
    Moves
    88863
    24 Mar '05 03:40
    A pastor was strolling along the road when he came upon a
    group of a few boys about eight years of age, surrounding a dog.
    Concerned that the boys were hurting the beast, he went over
    and asked them what they were doing.

    A boy replied, "This dog is a local stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells
    the biggest lie can take him home."

    The pastor was appalled. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then preached a fifteen minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you lads know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

    There was complete silence for a minute. As the pastor smiled knowing that he'd taught them something, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him
    the dog."
  9. Joined
    30 Sep '04
    Moves
    12010
    24 Mar '05 05:58
    In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said
    "Once again the world has become a wicked place and over populated
    and I see the end of flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two
    of every living thing along with a few good humans."

    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying "You have six months to build the
    Ark before I start unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his back yard.....but no Ark.

    "Noah," he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where's the Ark?"

    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I need a
    building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building an Ark in my yard and exeeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
    Appeal board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation
    demanded a bond be posted for future costs of moving power lines
    and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.

    Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
    trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince Environmentalists I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go.

    When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
    group. They insisted I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accomodation was too restrictive and it was cruel
    and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

    Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

    I' m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commision on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my crew.

    Also, the trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

    To make matters worse, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country with endangered species.

    So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish the Ark."

    Suddenly the skies cleared, and the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
    stretched across the sky.

    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to
    destroy the World?"

    "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it!"
  10. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
    Joined
    16 Nov '03
    Moves
    88863
    25 Mar '05 03:20
    Four Catholic ladies are sipping coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
    The second Catholic woman states, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
    The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
    The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
    After a brief pause, she says, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
  11. Joined
    30 Sep '04
    Moves
    12010
    25 Mar '05 03:43
    Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

    "Hungry Seymour?" the Lord asked

    "I could eat," Seymour said. The Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared it.

    While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasants, pastries and vodka.

    The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened, and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.

    The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

    "To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
  12. Standard memberAlcra
    Lazy Sod
    Everywhere
    Joined
    12 Oct '04
    Moves
    8623
    25 Mar '05 06:47
    Originally posted by gentlegil
    Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

    "Hungry Seymour?" the Lord asked

    "I could eat," Seymour said. The Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared it.

    While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks ...[text shortened]... ."

    "To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
    LOL
  13. Standard memberfrogstomp
    Bruno's Ghost
    In a hot place
    Joined
    11 Sep '04
    Moves
    7707
    25 Mar '05 07:181 edit
    Originally posted by gentlegil
    Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

    "Hungry Seymour?" the Lord asked

    "I could eat," Seymour said. The Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared i ...[text shortened]... , the Lord said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
    lmao@ Seymour

    there once was a lottery winner
    who said "this proves I'm no sinner
    but he showed that night
    he had not seen the light
    when he wouldn't buy a homeless man dinner

  14. Standard membershavixmir
    Guppy poo
    Sewers of Holland
    Joined
    31 Jan '04
    Moves
    55280
    25 Mar '05 07:33
    Do you know why they crusified Jesus?

    Because if they'd drowned him people would have to walk around with aquariums around their necks.

  15. Standard memberMaustrauser
    Lord Chook
    Stringybark
    Joined
    16 Nov '03
    Moves
    88863
    26 Mar '05 00:55
    Two nuns were bicycling down a cobbled street. The first one said "I've never come this way before."
    The second one replied "It must be the cobbles."
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