Spiritual Humor

An eighty-five year old bloke went into the confessional and told the priest the following:

"Father, I am an eighty-five year old. I'm married, I have five children and thirteen grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two nineteen year old girls. We drank, kissed and had rampant sex all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

And one of my favourites:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: 16 May 2003 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates struck up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the cellar, but nobody was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

It just occurred to me, that this Thread's Title is an oxymoron!

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for
Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local
ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the
constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all
their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the
cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to
the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after
listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU
lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared,
"Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the
ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this
case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many
other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover
they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... and yet my client and all
other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said,
"Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for
that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday
for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date - April 1st!"

A woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the cupboard. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the cupboard as well.

Inside the cupboard, the little boy says, "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?"

"Yes, it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a cricket ball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a cricketball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he`s in.

"Fifty dollars," the little boy replies.

"FIFTY DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the cupboard with her little boy.

"It`s dark in here, isn`t it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes, it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a cricket box?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Sixty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy`s Dad says "Hey, son, go get your cricket gear and we can go to the park."

"I can`t. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and lollies.

"One hundred and ten dollars," the little boy says.

"ONE HUNDRED & TEN DOLLARS? That`s thievery! I`m taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It`s dark in here, isn`t it?"

To which the priest exclaims, "Don`t you start that in here."

Three nuns were talking. The Sister Claire said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A pile of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the recycling bin."
The Sister Mary said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a pack of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," Sister Mary replied.
Sister Celeste said, "Oh Christ!"

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for that."

A priest was confronted by a prostitute. "Do you want a quickie for five rand?". Not knowing what it was, he said no. A few minutes another prostitute also offered him a quickie for five rand. Again he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him, and he went to a nun. "What," he asked, "is a quickie?" "Five rand, same as in town," the nun answered.

One day, a Zebra got eaten by a lion.

The Zebra went to heaven. Once there, he duly set about finding God to ask him the one question that had plagued him for a long time.

"Am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"

He got an appointment with the Lord, and asked his question. The Lord told him to go away for a while and contemplate deeply on the matter. And God added, "remember my son. You ARE what you ARE."

The zebra went away and contemplated for a long time. But he still couldn't get the answer. So he returned to God again, and again asked his question -- "Am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?" And once again, he was given the same reply -- "go away and contemplate on this matter. And remember, my son -- you ARE what you ARE."

A second time, and a third time, the Zebra went yonder to ponder, but no answer came to him. For a forth time, he returnded to the Lord to ask the question again, but this time God was not around.

God's janitor was, however.

In frustration, the Zebra told the janitor about his predicament. The janitor thought about it, and then asked, "Well, what has He been saying to you?"

Zebra replied, "He just keeps telling me, 'Remember my son, you ARE what you ARE.' Must be some kind of teaching on self-acceptance. Still, I would like to know if I'm a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes. This is of basic existential importance to me."

"He's already told you," replied the janitor. "You're a white zebra with black stripes. If you were a black zebra with white stripes, He would have been saying "Remember my child, you IS what you IS."

. The Pope dies and is about to get a surprise.
He meets St.Peter at the Pearly Gates and begins to enter heaven. Saint Peter sya " Whoa there fella..we dont allow christians in Heaven, " Extremely sad but wanting to see Heaven at least once and peeks over the Gates . Inside he sees a RBHILL blindfaith101 and Darfius play pinochle.
He asks again : Saint Peter , you said you didn't allow christians in Heaven. "yes my son, I did indeed " came the reply.
the Pope continues to be puzzled and says "But, St.Peter RBHILL, blindfaith101 and Darfius are in there, WHY????
Saint Peter smiles and says " They only think they are Christians
an

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together .... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Fridays in Hell.....

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here.

You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay? "
"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"