Spiritual Humor

Brewdhism 101

The religion of Brewdhism was founded by Siddartha Hoppama Brewdha, long ago.

Siddartha -- "Sid" for short -- was a beer connossieur. But despite years of struggle and endless hours of meditation his final enlightenment eluded him. He then decided, "what the heck", and had a beer. And then, lo and behold! -- he became enlightened while quaffing a cold one under the Bo tree. At the moment of his Awakening he became the Brewdha -- the Fully Brewakened One.

He then set about teaching the Noble Eightfold Path.

1. Right Ale. How to suffer correctly.

2. Right Livelihood. How to drink beer and make money at the same time. Also known as Drink and Just Sit There, the prime essentials of Brewdhist meditation.

3. Right Fermenting. How to sit in meditation for so long that your body smell becomes so overpowering that is causes a shift in your consciousness and an opening to higher dimensions in space and time. A prelude to the first stage of enlightenment.

4. Right Concentration. This one is accomplished by playing chess whilst drinking a six pack. And of course a good Brewdhist doesn't care if he loses. This reckless abandoning of mental focus and attachment to victory results in an attitude known as "Zen balance", or the Essence of both Empty Mind and the ability to walk in a straight line.

5. Right Speech. How to speak like a Brewdhist. You only speak with honorable intention. If compromised by a difficult or stressful situation, a Brewdhist will utter only these words -- "bottoms up" and then proceed to sit in the Lotus posture upside down.

6. Right Knowledge. The details of brewing beer. The alchemy of transformation, the process of turning psychological lead into gold. This is especially useful for the Brewdhist when working with anger, to go from pissed off to just pissing.

7. Right Action. How to behave like a Brewdhist in the world. To be honorable and roll with the punches of life. This is accomplished by developing a good round Brewdha-belly that will expedite your ability to properly roll.

8. Right Meditation. The ultimate aim of all good Brewdhists. How to meditate and free the mind from all useless attachments and delusions. How to become One with your Mug.

It should be noted that our great founder, Sid Brewdha, once met Jesus at a pub in the Other World called Heaven's Lounge, and the two swapped stories about the spirits world. Brewdha tried to get Jesus to try some of his new suffering-free ales, but Jesus was too busy turning all the tap water into vodka.

Originally posted by Metamorphosis
One day, a Zebra got eaten by a lion.

The Zebra went to heaven. Once there, he duly set about finding God to ask him the one question that had plagued him for a long time.

"Am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"

He got an appointment with the Lord, and asked his question. The Lord told him to go away fo ...[text shortened]... k zebra with white stripes, He would have been saying "Remember my child, you IS what you IS."

I don;t get it - someone want to explain?

One day, Jeaus and Moses were sitting on the banks of the Red Sea, Noah was having a party in the middle of the sea on his luxury ark.Many of the biblical people were there having a great time.
Moses said: " I guess we should put in an appearance"
" I guess so", said jesus " I'll race you" . with that he stood up and ran across the water. About 40 feet out , he sank.
Moses raised his staff and parted the sea out to Jesus, and Jesus came walking back, wringing water off his robe as he walked. On the shore he sat by the fire drying off,
" I dont understand it", said Jesus , shaking his head and tapping water out of his ears, "The last time I did that I walked on the water to the boat" ,
Moses said: "That's easy to explain: The last time you didn't have holes in your feet"

A nice gentle one:

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A priest told his flock, "Next Sunday I will preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17 by next Sunday."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the Priest asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The Priest smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

A married bloke goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman"

The priest asks, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The bloke says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a bit, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that temptress again. Now, say Thirteen Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The bloke leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The bloke replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

Jesus and Moses Play Golf


Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they're on the
tenth hole.
Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond.
Just before the ball hits the water,the pond parts and
the ball rolls up onto the green.

Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus'
ball hits the water and skips across.
All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from
the sky. A fish swallows it and a bird picks up the fish
and drops the ball onto a turtle that walks over
to the hole and drops it in.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your dad plays!"

(This one dedicated to Darfius).

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42). The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?"
The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

And I just can;t resist this one (mildly offensive, so avoid if sensitive).

What's white and streaks across the sky?

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The coming of the lord.

eeew... so whats rain?

Originally posted by xxxenophobe
eeew... so whats rain?

Waste water has to go somewhere I suppose.

Originally posted by xxxenophobe
eeew... so whats rain?

The angels are crying...

:'(

An lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He reaches the Pearly Gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter himself comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I
wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The lawyer is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St.Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what
you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

Originally posted by Alcra
And I just can;t resist this one (mildly offensive, so avoid if sensitive).

What's white and streaks across the sky?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The coming of the lord.

I heard it like this:
What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds?
The 2nd coming of the Lord.

Oh and my joke uh,ummm...ok

Yo Mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Mary goes up to Father O'Flynn after his Sunday service, and she's in tears. He says, "What's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband died last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What was it Mary?"

She says, "He said, Mary, put down that damn gun..."

Kyungheo and Mangong, his disciple, were returning to their temple in the evening after getting some rice for their food. Especially that day, they got sacks full of rice. Apart from their satisfaction, the sacks were heavy and it was still distant to their destination.

Mangong felt tired and got pain on the shoulder, so it was very difficult to follow his master. Noticing this, Kyungheo said, "I will use one method to get fast. Please see."

They were passing a certain village. Then, a beautiful young woman was coming from the opposite side of them with a water jar on the head. She was apparently a bride just over 20 years old. When Kyungheo faced her, he held both her ears and kissed her lips. The woman screamed, dropped and broke the jar, and ran back into her house.

A distubance arose. Villagers ran out of their houses with sticks or clubs and shouted, "Wicked monks, stop there."

The two monks began to run away. They ran so desperately that villagers couldn't follow them to the last.

After a while, when they took a rest, Kyungheo said, "Was the sack heavy ?"

Mangong said, "Regardlessly, I don't know how I could run so long way with it."

Kyungheo said, "Don't I have talent?" They laughed together looking at each other.