Howdy folks! The world is confusing, right? But thanks to God in Heaven above and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to redeem our sins, I have been blessed with the sacred ministry to reduce this confusion. Specifically, I can tell from what a person says, does and writes, whether he or she is Saved or damned. You see, the Lord's angels whisper a soul's fate in my ear when I pray for guidance. Those who I find are among the damned, rejoice! There is still time to repent, y'all!
As well as the angels, I also rely on some general guidelines:
1. Obviously, all else being equal it helps your cause if you are a professed believer of the Christian faith, except for Catholics.
2. It also helps if you are American, as Americans are now God's chosen people.
3. It does NOT help your cause if you a) engage in pre-marital sex, b) use sex for recreational rather than procreational purposes, even within the sacred institution of marriage, c) use contraception of any kind, including the 'rhythm method', d) engage in 'unnatural' sexual acts - you know what these are, e) look at pornography, f) use alcohol, nicotine, caffiene, or any other drug - these are tools of Satan, g) use offensive language, h) are a Communist or i) vote Democrat.
The verdicts only apply to people if they refuse to change their ways. There is still time to REPENT!
I only joined today, so I have only had time to audit the souls of three members here. I picked people who seem to post a lot here. My findings are below:
no1marauder. Verdict: SAVED. Comments: Despite his vituperative ways, which are just a thinly diguised cry for love, this is a truly good man who is scrupulous in his questioning of matters of faith, but who believes nonetheless.
Darfius. Verdict: SAVED. Comments: Untiring in his promotion of the one and only true Christian faith.
Starrman. Verdict: DAMNED. Comments: Has far too high an opinion of his intellectual capacity. Pride before the fall. Still time to save himself.
That's all for now.
REPENT, and have a nice day!🙂
Originally posted by SpeakerOfSoulsHow much do you charge for an audit on request?
Howdy folks! The world is confusing, right? But thanks to God in Heaven above and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to redeem our sins, I have been blessed with the sacred ministry to reduce this confusion. Specifically, I can tell from what a person says, does and writes, whether he or she is Saved or damned. You see, the Lord's angels whispe ...[text shortened]... the fall. Still time to save himself.
That's all for now.
REPENT, and have a nice day!🙂
Originally posted by SpeakerOfSoulsYou are a satirical genius.
Howdy folks! The world is confusing, right? But thanks to God in Heaven above and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to redeem our sins, I have been blessed with the sacred ministry to reduce this confusion. Specifically, I can tell from what a person says, does and writes, whether he or she is Saved or damned. You see, the Lord's angels whispe ...[text shortened]... the fall. Still time to save himself.
That's all for now.
REPENT, and have a nice day!🙂
Can u audit me next?
D
Originally posted by SpeakerOfSoulsPick me! Pick me! I want my soul audited!
Howdy folks! The world is confusing, right? But thanks to God in Heaven above and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to redeem our sins, I have been blessed with the sacred ministry to reduce this confusion. Specifically, I can tell from what a person says, does and writes, whether he or she is Saved or damned. You see, the Lord's angels whispe ...[text shortened]... the fall. Still time to save himself.
That's all for now.
REPENT, and have a nice day!🙂
Originally posted by SpeakerOfSoulsThe only one I miss on is voting Democrat! I'm toast!
Howdy folks! The world is confusing, right? But thanks to God in Heaven above and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to redeem our sins, I have been blessed with the sacred ministry to reduce this confusion. Specifically, I can tell from what a person says, does and writes, whether he or she is Saved or damned. You see, the Lord's angels whispe ...[text shortened]... the fall. Still time to save himself.
That's all for now.
REPENT, and have a nice day!🙂
Originally posted by StarrmanI will save our new friend the trouble.
Can you do darvlay or ivanhoe next please?
Coincidentally, last night, I attended a church service with my Mother in Toronto. She had come up all the way from Brantford, Ontario (home of Wayne Gretzky, the most onside hockey player ever) to see a South African missionary/evangelist, so seeing as it was her birthday, I decided to join her, for curiosity's sake.
The service started off with a bang. The church was whipped into a frenzy by the house band who played these very enthusiastic, charismatic songs that I thought were taboo in a church service. Boy, was I wrong! People were celebrating in the aisles. They were happy to be there! I was amazed.
Then the sermon began.
Rev. Thompson (his first name escapes me) was a very soft-spoken man but his words were powerful. He talked about the missing piece in all our lives and how people fill that void with sin to satisfy the flesh. This was very true in my case. Specifically drugs. I have been a drug addict for nearly 7 years now (ever since I moved out of Mother's house). I can count the days on my hand in those 7 years where I have not been stoned at least once. It has ruined many of my relationships and is beginning to have its effect on my brain.
I was beginning to hate myself and my problem.
Until last night.
Last night, I gave my life to Christ during the altar call and yesterday was the first day of my clean, sober and born-again life! I am just a novice Christian and I know the road to heaven is a narrow one, but I will do my best to serve him in any way that I can.
This may come as a surprise to a lot of you, but let me say, you should have seen my Mother's reaction when I made a dash for the altar! She burst into tears!
Jesus saves even the lowliest of scum like me.
So the verdict is: SAVED!
Originally posted by SpeakerOfSoulsplease, me too 😛
Howdy folks! The world is confusing, right? But thanks to God in Heaven above and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died to redeem our sins, I have been blessed with the sacred ministry to reduce this confusion. Specifically, I can tell from what a person says, does and writes, whether he or she is Saved or damned. You see, the Lord's angels whispe ...[text shortened]... the fall. Still time to save himself.
That's all for now.
REPENT, and have a nice day!🙂
although I reckon I have enough time to save myself, as I have just takes the death test (see other thread) and it told me I still have 64 years. And if I'm eternally damned... I'll just play chess against Starrman in hell 😛
Angie 😀
PS: Why on earth would the americans be favored? Isn't there this mentality about having equal chances of going to heaven? Do I have to become an american to go to heaven?
And what's with the no contraceptives? I thought it was the catholics who aren't supposed to use them? Or am I just mixing it up again? Sorry 😳
Originally posted by darvlayDarv...Are you serious..??
I will save our new friend the trouble.
Coincidentally, last night, I attended a church service with my Mother in Toronto. She had come up all the way from Brantford, Ontario (home of Wayne Gretzky, the most onside hockey player ever) to see a South African missionary/evangelist, so seeing as it was her birthday, I decided to join her, for curiosity's s ...[text shortened]... to tears!
Jesus saves even the lowliest of scum like me.
So the verdict is: [b]SAVED![/b]