Jokes

@wolfgang59 said
An old but half-decent joke totally ruined by a laboured delivery.
Well done!

Speaking of a labored delivery:

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

So there was this skeleton who went stag to his prom. Turns out, he had "nobody" to dance with.

I called a plumber the other day to repair my sink and much to my surprise it was a duck. I looked down at him and there he stood with a pair of jeans and a dress over top the jeans. Puzzled, I asked him why he was wearing a dress over his jeans to which he replied, "That way when I'm working the dress will cover my assQwack.

What is a Trumpkin ?
Orange on the outside
Hollow in the middle
Should be thrown out in November

@caissad4

Why does Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

😂

Q: How do you get Trump to change a light bulb ?
A: You don't . He will lie that he changed it and all the Republicans will sit in the dark and agree it was changed .

@caissad4 said
Q: How do you get Trump to change a light bulb ?
A: You don't . He will lie that he changed it and all the Republicans will sit in the dark and agree it was changed .

No, no, the real way Trump changes a light bulb is to sign an executive order forbidding anyone to replace it, upon which the Ninth Appellate court District in California will overturn it and force some unsuspecting chap to change it for him.

@caissad4 said
What is a Trumpkin ?
Orange on the outside
Hollow in the middle
Should be thrown out in November

While in a chemistry lab doing an experiment, I asked Sodium Bromide if a Trumpkin actually existed. He responed NaBrO.

I would make good chemistry jokes but all the good ones argon

My chemistry instructor though said that these jokes really are not that bad and that I was just overreacting.

After the Roosevelt Room and the Lincoln Bedroom; Donald Trump says his favorite room in the White House is the Oval Office.
- He thinks that President Oval was a "really really great President".

- If horses are measured in hands; Donald Trump must have the biggest horses in the world.

A monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare.
- So all that Donald Trump really needs to be considered one of the greatest Presidents is an infinite amount of time and a monkey that can type.

Donald Trump wants to arm teachers, which is crazy.
- Because if Donald Trump's teachers had been armed; we wouldn't be hearing his stupid opinions on the issue.

Aides to President Trump say that he normally tears up pieces of paper after he is done reading them.
- Melania is still trying to hand him their "prenup".

Some people say that Trump is Putin's puppet; a kind of "Manchurian Candidate".
- But Trump is so stupid that even his subconscious can't remember the trigger word.

President Donald J. Trump







Stable genius





Really rich, so rich, billions




We'll see his taxes when the audit is completed





John McCain was no war hero . . . Our soldiers and sailors and airmen who were captured weren't heros. Heros don't get caprured.

Now back to innocent jokes...
This old geezer is flying for the first time on a long journey.
He calls the airhostess and asks her:" How high are we flying now?:
She replies:" Only about 20,000ft,"
"Ok, bring me a wiskey please,"
A little later he calls her again, " Lady, how high are we flying now?"
She replies," About 30,000ft now,"
"Ok, bring me a brandy please,"
So the next time he calls her, she replies, irritated, " We're flying now close to heaven!"
'Ok, bring me a peppermint please."

Always remember, never have phone sex.


You might get hearing aids

I think Humy can use me...
I am quite good at maths...
20 + 20 = next year...

Driver gets pulled over for DWI.

Driver: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You ARE a lawyer.

Driver: So where’s my present?