Jokes

Did you hear about the mathematician that was constipated?


He worked his problem out with a pencil.




















































A #2 pencil..

A few days ago someone left a box of snakes outside my door.

Yesterday it was a set of ladders.

I think someone is playing games with me.

@whodey
Ripped off from George Bernard Shaw.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

@sonhouse said
@whodey
Ripped off from George Bernard Shaw.

@whodey
Oh shyte, You DID quit your day job.

@whodey said
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
...[text shortened]... when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

There's an upcoming theatre performance about puns.

It's just a play on words.

Three business men meet. Two complain about the economic situation. The third says: In my business the customers grow daily.
The others are shocked and ask about the business.
I sell clothes for children...

Mick's wife gives birth to triplets and Mick says, "How the heck did that happen?". He wife replies, "Remember when we had to use 3 in 1 oil, 'cause we ran outta Vaseline?" Mick thinks for a minute and says, "Man, I'm glad we didn't use WD40".

😲

I went to a fortuneteller a few years back.
"You will be poor and you will work hard until the age of fifty..."
"...and then?" I asked.
"... then you'll get used to it..."

Wife: The car won't start, it has water in the carburetor.
Husband: How would you know that dear? Do you even know where the carburetor is?
Wife: No I don't know where it is or even what it is, but I know that's the problem. Go see for yoursrlf.
Husband: Where is the car?
Wife: In the lake.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso.

RIP Eddie Money. I heard that the singer died all of a sudden recently. No one saw it coming.

And to think, I had no idea he was friends with the Clintons.

My friend says that he is always being called a racist, but can't figure out why because the only girls he dates are black women.


After talking to him for an hour or two I had no idea why either, until he said that he dated black women because he didn't like having to meet the fathers.