Jokes

Originally posted by @whodey
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." ...[text shortened]... latterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Joe's wife ,looking down at her breasts lifted her head and said to Joe
" Joe, I want my boobs to be bigger, plumper ,fatter and more noticeable , its about £6000 for a boob job "
Joe replied .." look love ,get some toilet paper and rub it around your breasts "
" That will not work " she snarled
" well it did for your backside " replied Joe

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Alabama backwoods.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

Childbirth at 65.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year old friend of mine was able to givr birth. When she was discharged from hospital and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the baby?" I asked.
"Not yet," she said. "i"ll make some coffee and we can chat first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked,"may I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied my friend.
After another few minutes I asked again.
"No, not yet,"
Growing very impatient, I asked,"well, when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded."why do I have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!"

Three surgeons were arguing one day about who had done the best surgery.

1rst surgeon says I had a patient who had both his arms cut off and reattached them now he is a world class weight lifter.

2nd Surgeon says that is great, but I once had a patient who was missing both arms and legs. I reattached them, now he is a triathlon competitor.

3rd Surgeon said both of those are great stories. I once had a patient and all that was left of him was a hat and an a...hole.....Now he is the President of the United States!!!

-VR

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like accountants on the operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon said, "Librarians are the best; everything inside them is ordered alphabetically."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "How about construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

There once was a man from Hong Kong
Who thought limericks were three lines too long

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Alabama backwoods.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally ...[text shortened]... en putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

A Scottish man complained at Kings cross railway station that he had lost all his luggage...the cork accidently fell out of his whisky bottle

So there was this conservative in medical school who was plagued by a left winged professor. Every day the professor would make a sly comment about the GOP and incorporated left winged talking points in his lectures even though it was only a coarse in psychology. To get even with their professor, the young conservative decided to write a paper about how liberals were prone to psychological problems. His hypothesis rested upon the fact that about 25% of liberals were found to be medicated for psychological problems. Before the student was able to read his paper in class the Professor intended to debunk this assertion before it had a chance to be presented to the class, for the professor well knew that about 25% of the general population were also medicated for psychological issues, such as depression.

So the professor got up, cleared his throat and held up the research paper and asked the class, "This research paper shows that about 25% of liberals are medicated for psychological problems, does anyone know what this means?" To which the student who wrote the paper retorted, "Yes, it means that about 75% of liberals go unmedicated".

Originally posted by @whodey
So there was this conservative in medical school who was plagued by a left winged professor. Every day the professor would make a sly comment about the GOP and incorporated left winged talking points in his lectures even though it was only a coarse in psychology. To get even with their professor, the young conservative decided to write a paper about how libe ...[text shortened]... student who wrote the paper retorted, "Yes, it means that about 75% of liberals go unmedicated".

Wrong thread!

Have you heard about the snobs who were to be executed?
Asks the one the other: how much do you tip a henchman?

Originally posted by @ponderable
Have you heard about the snobs who were to be executed?
Asks the one the other: how much do you tip a henchman?

My Irish mate tried to hang himself , he said he had to stop because he couldn't breath .

Comes the farmer to the market. There is a bridge on his way and the donkey pulling the vcart stops. The farmer takes a look, fetches his hammer and begins to chip away at the bridge.
Comes a citizen of the city and says; "Why don't you dig a bit on the ground, it's easier and you don't damage the bridge."
Says the farmer: "Take a look: His feet are fine, it's the ears which won't fit!"

So Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar as Bill Cosby exclaims......

YouTube : wherearetheyat

A surgeon friend of mine wanted to make himself over into a woman and wanted to do the operation on himself.

I told him he would never pull it off.

Donald Trump is President?

Yea, deep state, shallow brains. 😛