"Puns and Funny English... "

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10 Nov '14 17:14

HandyAndy
Read a book!
Joined
23 Sep '06
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18677
17 Nov '14 04:07
● A decimal point: I'm a dot in place.
lemon lime
itiswhatitis
oLd ScHoOl
Joined
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5577
17 Nov '14 06:49
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
lemon lime, where art thou?
Right now I'm fixing a problem with a skylight. Cold air is leaking through... rain doesn't get in but cold air does when the wind is blowing hard. And the wind has been blowing cold and hard for a week now. My electric bill for November might end up being higher than next months. Not much I can do about it now except tape plastic sheeting over it, will probably have to wait until Spring to add sealant around the window. Skylights can be a royal pain in the buttinsky whenever something goes wrong with them.

Anyway, I'm still here but just not as often. Will be busy with other projects for the rest of November... coming here gives me an excuse to stop and rest for awhile.
Grampy Bobby
Boston Lad
USA
Joined
14 Jul '07
Moves
43012
17 Nov '14 15:54
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"Puns and Funny English... (6 of many more)

66. The guy that fell into the glass making machine made a spectacle of himself.

67. I had amnesia once --- or twice.

68. Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.

69. In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

70. O ...[text shortened]...
80. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein."
"Puns and Funny English... (7 of many more)

"81. Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. ~ George Addair.

82. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin.

83. A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in the hotel lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave. "But why," they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

84. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain.

85. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey.

86. Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. ~ Jim Rohn.

87. The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. ~ Muhammad Ali.

88. Don't count the days, make the days count. ~ Muhammad Ali.

89. It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. ~ Muhammad Ali.

90. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? ~ From MIStupid.com.

91. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

92. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

93. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? [Asian is preferred]

94. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else."
Grampy Bobby
Boston Lad
USA
Joined
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Moves
43012
17 Nov '14 16:00
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"Clever Anagrams - What you get when you re-arrange the same letters:

● Presbyterian:

● Astronomer:

● Desperation:

● The eyes:

● George Bush:

● The Morse Code:

● Dormitory:

● Slot machines:

● Animosity:

● Election results:

● Snooze alarms:

● A decimal point:

● The earthquakes: ...[text shortened]... ch for your first three correct solutions; two points for each of the next three or more. Enjoy.
"966. Clever Anagrams - What you get when you re-arrange the same letters:

● Presbyterian: Best in prayer
● Astronomer: Moon starer
● Desperation: A rope ends it

● The eyes: They see
● George Bush: He bugs Gore
● The Morse Code: Here come dots

● Dormitory: Dirty room
● Slot machines: Cash lost in me
● Animosity: Is no amity

● Election results: Lies - Let's recount
● Snooze alarms: Alas! No more Z's
● A decimal point: I'm a dot in place

● The earthquakes: That queer shake
● Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
● Debit card: Bad credit

● Schoolmaster: The classroom
● Fir cones: Conifers
● The Environment: One tenth vermin"

So, HandyAndy and kiki46, how many points did you score?
Grampy Bobby
Boston Lad
USA
Joined
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Moves
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17 Nov '14 16:12
Originally posted by lemon lime
Right now I'm fixing a problem with a skylight. Cold air is leaking through... rain doesn't get in but cold air does when the wind is blowing hard. And the wind has been blowing cold and hard for a week now. My electric bill for November might end up being higher than next months. Not much I can do about it now except tape plastic sheeting over it, will p ...[text shortened]... projects for the rest of November... coming here gives me an excuse to stop and rest for awhile.
Thanks for the update. Sounds as if you know what you're doing. Hope your home is now warm again.
redbadger
Suzzie says Badger
is Racist Bastard
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Moves
10079
17 Nov '14 16:421 edit
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
Thanks for the update. Sounds as if you know what you're doing. Hope your home is now warm again.
HandyAndy
Read a book!
Joined
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Moves
18677
17 Nov '14 20:39
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
how many points...?
Why paint moons?
Grampy Bobby
Boston Lad
USA
Joined
14 Jul '07
Moves
43012
19 Nov '14 01:17
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"Puns and Funny English... (7 of many more)

"81. Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. ~ George Addair.

82. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin.

83. A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in the hotel lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manag ...[text shortened]... me disoriented? [Asian is preferred]

94. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else."
"Puns and Funny English... (8 of many more)

95. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

96. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill.

97. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~ Jack Handey.

98. Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement. ~ Unknown.

99. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. ~ Unknown.

100. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. ~ Unknown.

101. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. ~ Unknown.

102. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. ~ Unknown.

103. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ~ Unknown.

104. Time heals all wounds, but time also wounds all heels. ~ Unknown.

105. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras"
Drewnogal
Constant Gardener
The Plot
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51721
22 Nov '14 02:01
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Please refer to our posting guidelines.
CalJust
It is what it is
Pretoria
Joined
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66754
22 Nov '14 14:09
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"Puns and Funny English...
Sorry to be pedantic: Clever one liners, yes, but neither Puns nor Funny English!
Grampy Bobby
Boston Lad
USA
Joined
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Moves
43012
22 Nov '14 17:23
Originally posted by CalJust
Sorry to be pedantic: Clever one liners, yes, but neither Puns nor Funny English!
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby (OP)
"Puns and Funny English...

Play on Words, Wise Sayings, Proverbs, Quotations, Humorous Use of the English Language and Strange Facts.

What Is a Pun? "A pun, or paronomasia, is a form of word play that deliberately exploits an ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. Such ambiguity may arise from the intentional misuse of homophonical, homographical, homonymic, polysemic, metonymic, or metaphorical language." "A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused; To tell a pun, to make a play on words."

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. ~Dr. Bob Moorehead. See Words Aptly Spoken

12. Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell? ~ Unknown.

13. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did." (Ouch. To be continued anyway)

http://www.bydewey.com/pun.html

Comment: Hope you'll enjoy these "Puns and Funny English, Play on Words, Wise Sayings, Proverbs, Quotations,
Humorous Use of the English Language and Strange Facts" and feel free to contribute many of your own.
____________________________________________________

Hi, CJ. Thanks as always for your comments. 105 verbatim lines so far with a variety of 1,000 in total. Should we continue?
CalJust
It is what it is
Pretoria
Joined
20 Apr '04
Moves
66754
22 Nov '14 17:492 edits
Yes, these are certainly puns, thanks.

Have I opuned the door for more?
Grampy Bobby
Boston Lad
USA
Joined
14 Jul '07
Moves
43012
22 Nov '14 18:02
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"Puns and Funny English... (8 of many more)

95. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

96. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill.

97. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you critici ...[text shortened]... heels. ~ Unknown.

105. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras"
"Puns and Funny English... (8 groups of many more)

106. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. ~ Unknown.

107. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. ~ Franklin P. Jones.

108. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~ Andy Rooney.

109. Everything I need to know I learned from my dog: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. ~ Anonymous.

110. A husband complains to a marriage counselor: "When we were first married, I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" says the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

________________________________________

Dedicated to CalJust in the hope that he'll be pweased:

111. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

112. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

113. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

114. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

115. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

116. We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

117. Does "expect the unexpected" make the "unexpected expected"?

118. Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?

119. Why are "overlook" and "oversee" opposites?"
Tabitha Marshall
rebel city
Joined
20 Jun '09
Moves
74241
22 Nov '14 18:09
Originally posted by Suzianne
"cashed"

Man, I haven't heard that word used in that way in years.

The video of old memories that opened up in my head was amazing.
As I understand in this context, "cashed" means "it's a deal". Is this correct?
HandyAndy
Read a book!
Joined
23 Sep '06
Moves
18677
22 Nov '14 19:32
Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
Dedicated to CalJust in the hope that he'll be pweased:
Take it to the Baby Talk Forum, Spanky.

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"Puns and Funny English... "