Puns and One-liners

I offered Bonnie Tyler a Quality Street but she said she was holding out for a hero.

I was walking along the beach today eating a take-away when seabird stole my sausage. It was a tern for the wurst.

I saw a dwarf get pick pocketed this morning.
I confronted the thief and said 'how can you stoop so low.'

I think I might be a can of deodorant, but I'm not sure ...

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company today

Just putting my 2 scents in

Disney are going to remake Lassie.
They're looking for a tall, thin actor to play the lead.

I wish I could define what it means to be a great philosopher, but I Kant.

What begins with W and ends with t?

amazon, fedex, and ups walk into a bar
they all order an uber

@rajk999 said
For you to make an 8 letter word, your scrabble buddy had to have done the same.

Maybe you should learn to play Scrabble.

If it was necessary to play an 8-letter word before playing an 8-letter word, who can play the first 8-letter word?

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

@divegeester said
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure!

I said to my doctor that I kept yearning for the green, green grass of home.
He told me I have Tom Jones syndrome. Apparently, it's not unusual.

(I believe that one's also (c) Milton Jones. I certainly first heard it on Wok the Meek.)

What's the difference between dal and tarka dal?

Tarka is a little 'otter.

I used to date a girl who worked at the abattoir. She was a stunner...

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you.