washing/showering more than usual could be another sign. It doesn't have to be a disaster though. As Shav said earlier, how you react is up to you. It depends. She probably wouldn't want to give up the stability of her marriage for the sake of a fling. The real question is can you forgive her?
Personally, I think abandoning a marriage for one mistake would be foolish.
A second mistake would be unnacceptable to me. But this is me. What do *you* think?
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I appreciate why you're scared to ask her, but it sounds like you have a need to know what's going on, and I believe you're just tormenting yourself.
A lot of females who have hysterectomies, go through a lot of inner turmoil because they feel less like a woman, so increased sexual activity could just be her way of proving she's still a woman and that you still fancy her.
You don't sound angry about the situation, though know we're just reading written word and not feeling your true emotion behind it, but if you're not angry then I imagine you're in a great position to have an open, sincere talk with her.
If she is having an affair and you manage to have a calm talk, then ensure you lay no blame on her, and you're more likely going to find out the truth behind it.
If it was me, I'd plan the opening of a chat with her, and use her hysterectomy as a beginning - find out how she truly feels about it, and you never know what that may lead on to.
Good luck in whatever you do, and at the end of the day, it's what a lot have said on here - it depends how much it bothers you and what you can live with.
Originally posted by shavixmirShavixmir's number 3 is the best tip.
There are various signs which point to someone cheating:
- remarkably more sex (through a combination of guilt and being horny).
- Different working hours.
- Not looking you in the eyes when she's explaining that she has to work late or go out with friends.
- Dressing sexier than usual.
Women are much better than men at covering it up.
One que ...[text shortened]... l. Some relationships are just like that.
If it does matter. Confront. No other way about it.
It takes a great deal of training to mask the subtle, subconsciously communicated signals of a lie.
Eye contact is the most obvious, but also the easiest to mask. Far less so:-
1) Liars often embellish stories, and over-emphasise. If you were asked "why are you working late?" your answer would probably be "oh, that bloody project again". A liars reply will often be far more detailed, and far less concise. This is not totally reliable, as less articulate people often give one word answers when lying. You clearly will know if she is bright or not.
2) VERY hard to mask is defensive body language. Folding of arms, creating of a small amount of extra space between her and you when answering 'potentially awkward' questions. A genuine smile is predominantly made with the eyes. Big smiles (other than in genuine laughter) are often less indicative of true feeling. Think of the last time you laughed at a joke you thought was crap. Overdo it slightly?
3) Most peoples eyes roll up and to the left when recalling genuine memory. When thinking something up they tend to look up to the right. They are accessing very different parts of the brain. This only applies if the person has to 'dig deep' to answer. Short term memory does not create these patterns (such as if someone asked you what you eat for breakfast) so reliably, nor does extremely re-inforced memory (i.e I ask your name!)
There are others, but then I would be giving away too much. Often, as someone already said, the fact you are now sensitive to the fact deceit is in play will lead your intuition to tell you if she is cheating or not. Most of us have an awesome sixth sense. Sadly, you seemed to have picked up a behavioural change. This is the bit many people struggle with. Now you suspect, finding out is not a hard job.
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Originally posted by PolicestateAbsolutely.
It takes a great deal of training to mask the subtle, subconsciously communicated signals of a lie.
BUT... BUT.... BBBBB UUUUU TTTTT...
It can all mean something else as well, so don't jump to conclusions.
There are a thousand reasons for people's body language. Just because she has her arms folded and doesn't look you in the eye doesn't mean that she's been cheating. It could mean she's had a negative scan or that her mum's ill or that she broke a nail or that she over-salted the bloody spaghetti!!!
AND
What the hell is all this crap about a private detective? What? You're living in some film Noir world and you're best friends with bloody Bogart?
Come off it.
If you are man or woman enough to suspect your partner of cheating, just bloody well ask them!
Get your acts together.
No matter how much your tender little heart hurts or how much your bloated ffing ego is deflated... it's not the end of the world.
No sirree. Various scientists of very unreliable sources have pinned that date on 2012.
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Originally posted by murrowDoing so with a direct closed ended question might be less productive than casually taking an indirect approach. For example... "Hey, Hon, been thinking that the guy you're seeing probably plays chess. Maybe it would be nice for us to invite him over this weekend. Two of us could get to know each other better and maybe even enjoy a two day non-stop First Annual 'Trophy Wife Chess Tournament' (one man standing, winner take all format). All you would have to do would be to serve us drinks and sandwiches from time to time. Your girlfriends could even stop over so we would have a small audience. And he can have our guest room. I'll take the couch. Let's just do it, Sweetie. It'll be a great weekend I promise. Okay?"
wtf ... is everyone here completely mad???
ASK HER!
In the event he's an accomplished player, you're ready for him. You simply suggest that (in the interest of fairness and in keeping with the collegial spirit of the weekend) he spot you a center pawn and his queen. With your valuable RHP experience along with the 'third player' cheerleading support of your many loyal General Forum poster friends, chances are good that you will win and retain the trophy. Should you have a few bad games and be so unfortunate as to lose, there's still the consolation of having the Second Annual 'Trophy Wife Chess Tournament' to look forward to and prepare for a year from now.
Find the courage to give legs to your suspicions. Act with sensitivity and finesse. Why? Because if you blunder about clumsily only to discover that your going in premise proved to be dead wrong... far worse consequences will result. You will have insulted her, lost her respect and given her an invitation to self fulfill your own morbid and misinformed prophecy... during the playful spring days and hot summer months of 2008. Hard thing to split and then live with the knowledge that you alone were the cause. Do it with care.
Note: Please ignore the fanciful intro narrative you've just read. It was only intended to serve as focal point, an honest attempt to deal with a serious matter in a lighthearted manner... an off the wall dramatization for the sole purpose of getting your attention and fixing your perspective. -gb
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Originally posted by deathbypawnYou could always try the reverse approach.
well what time she got home home I could not say, because it was 12:30 when I went to bed and she did not wake me. No call to say she would be late no appology for being late...she woke me up this morning and by that I mean she really woke me up this morning in a way only a women can and she made me breakfast which never happens except on fathers day. Th ...[text shortened]... at not being able to have a third child. Could the extra sexy time be a result of that?
DBP
Sit her down, look her straight in the eye and ask her this...
"Have you ever thought I was having sex with other people?"
If she is having an affair, she'll know what you're up to and what question is coming next and will try and change the subject before you can ask her if she is having an affair. Pay close attention to her reaction/blushing/scared look etc for a tip off.
If she isn't having an affair, she'll prod you with a million questions about why you are asking her this question, never once suspecting your real motive. You'll have to have a good reason for asking her this question though like some guy at your work had his wife confront him with cheating when he really wasn't etc etc and you want her to know you would never do that to her etc etc.
Either way, you'll get your answer.
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Originally posted by twiceaknightYes one mistake would not be a bad thing...but I don't believe that having an affair is a "mistake". See..there are internal walls that people have to break down before they do something like this.
washing/showering more than usual could be another sign. It doesn't have to be a disaster though. As Shav said earlier, how you react is up to you. It depends. She probably wouldn't want to give up the stability of her marriage for the sake of a fling. The real question is can you forgive her?
Personally, I think abandoning a marriage for one mistak ...[text shortened]... oolish.
A second mistake would be unnacceptable to me. But this is me. What do *you* think?
MOTIVATION-
There has to be a reason why. She could just think the guy she is having a fling with is hot(most spouses never even have the idea of an affair come into there head) she had blockage because she didn't have health relational outlets. She wasn't getting something that she felt she needed.
INTERNAL BARRIERS-
This is when the angel and the devil pop up on your shoulder.
Her conscience says you shouldn't do this because its bad but then with some thinking error she counters this. For example,
Angel: you shouldn't do this! what if your husband finds out
Devil: (thinking error): oh come on! you can hide it from him
Angel: Won't you feel guilty?!
Devil: Oh what harm is there? you are only going to do it once!
etc etc...
EXTERNAL BARRIERS -
Its not easy to just cheat without getting caught. She has to plan how she will do it.
VICTIM RESISTANCE(not necessarily a victim)- Does the guy she want to have a fling with want to have a fling with her? Would he still if he knew that she were married?
EDIT: most people never even break down the first wall. For that to happen there has to be blockage(ie something wasn't healthy in the relationship)
Originally posted by deathbypawnNot by asking people on a chess forum, that's for sure.
I have suspected it for quite sometime. I have seen signs, but I do not snoop into her e-mail or follow her or anything but I suspect that my wife may be having an affair. Are there any signs that deffinatly point yes other than profane ones. I am kind of scared to just ask her.
DBP
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Originally posted by mrjonesvich321He's not asking a chess forum for the answer - he's looking for a way forward.
Not by asking people on a chess forum, that's for sure.
Asking people in an anon situation is fine because we're all so very different, with lots of different ideas, and he doesn't have to look any of us in the eye.
There are some crazy thoughts in this thread, but if he sifts through them, he may find a way to deal with the situation that suits him.
Don't close your mind, cos one day you may find yourself doing the same thing, in a similar context.
Originally posted by mrjonesvich321I am not going to say that chess players are smarter than the average person (don't want to get into that argument) But it seems that quite a large percentage of people on this site are of an above average intelligence.
Not by asking people on a chess forum, that's for sure.
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Originally posted by tomtom232Am I looking at the same chess site as you? 😕
I am not going to say that chess players are smarter than the average person (don't want to get into that argument) But it seems that quite a large percentage of people on this site are of an above average intelligence.
Please send replies to 'confused'.
Thanks
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Originally posted by catnap642I am not talking about most of the people who post in general, but most of the people on this site don't post in the forums...that right there shows that they have an above average intelligence! 😵
Am I looking at the same chess site as you? 😕
Please send replies to 'confused'.
Thanks
EDIT: I don't know if you are looking at the same chess site as me. What site are you on?
Originally posted by uzlessRight on the money, a sensible 'indirect approach' with minimal risk.
You could always try the reverse approach.
Sit her down, look her straight in the eye and ask her this...
"Have you ever thought I was having sex with other people?"
If she is having an affair, she'll know what you're up to and what question is coming next and will try and change the subject before you can ask her if she is having an affair. Pay clo ...[text shortened]... to know you would never do that to her etc etc.
Either way, you'll get your answer.