Vegan: well I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, dairy or gluten ... so what would you recommend?

Waitress: a taxi.

A backwoods woman goes into the town to get some tampax.
The pharmacist says, what size? The woman says, "X'cuse me?"
Pharmacist: What's your flow, your flow...
Woman: It's linoleum, linoleum

i was raised before autocorrect was even an itch in his daddy's pants

you kids these days
you have no ducking idea

John F. Kennedy is the first Catholic to be elected President. Homer and Jebus in Podunk Alabama discuss it while fishing.

Homer: I hear we got ourselves a Catholic Prez-ee-dent now.
Jebus: I reckon so. And I hear he a puttin' in some toilets into the white house
Homer: Oh...? What's a "toilet", Jebus?
Jebus: [Sigh...] Got me. I'm not a Catholic

i can't talk right now

her mouth is full

@rookie54 said
i can't talk right now

her mouth is full

A dog walks into a job centre and says "hi" to the clerk

"Wow, a talking dog," says the clerk.
"With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus."

"The circus?" says the dog. "What does a circus want with a plumber?"

@hakima said
That sounds familiar...

@rookie54 said
it's your joke
i just told it again

a bear wipes his butt on a tree = nature
i wipe my butt on a tree = i've ruined the family camping trip

So my buddy and I are vacationing in Cairo. He sees a woman smoking that big water pipe.
He says what is that? I said Hookah. He says I don't care about the girl what is that thing she is smoking?

We never knew he was a drunk.
- Until he showed up to work sober.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
- Except when you’re at a funeral.

I have been accused of Plagerism.


Their words not mine.

Very stable genius.

- author known, amazingly

the king: slow, useless in combat, impotent

the queen: the most powerful creature to ever slaughter the enemy

chess
bucking the patriarchy for close to two millenia