Jokes

Definition - Logarithm: A catholic lumberjack

My wife asked me to get some of those pills that help you get an erection.
Next day I threw her a bottle of diet pills.
Doctor said my broken jaw will heal eventually.

Marriage, like a circus, has 3 rings:
- The engagement ring; wedding ring and suffering.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.
- I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Wife: "It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. He keeps standing by the window, staring."
- "If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in."

One thing I'll say about the British Occupation of Canada... They sure taught the French to play good hockey, eh?

😆

two soothsayers meet:
-Hello you do good, how am I?

Unless life hands you vodka and Triple Sec.
- Your "lemondrop" is going to suck.

Lemondrop lost his job at the citrus factory.
- He couldn't concentrate.

Lemondrop had a job crushing Sierra Mist cans.
- It's soda pressing.

How do you make a "lemondrop"?
- Hold high. Let go.

Passing gas in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Q: How come the apes in the jungle don't play poker?
A: Too many cheetahs

buddy of mine got a labrador retriever
i think he's nutso
you ever check out how many lab owners go blind?

I was standing at the counter in a bar one night, minding my own business, when a sturdy not so pretty woman walked up to me, grabbed my arse, and said:
"Hi, Pretty boy, got a phone number?"
I said yes I have, have you got a pen?
She said yes, and took it out, ready to write.
I said," Better get back to your pen before your farmer misses you."
Only six stitches...

My bathroom is creeping me out.

Why is it every time I get naked in the bathroom the shower gets turned on?

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

DUCK!

@earl-of-trumps said
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

DUCK!

I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "No, ... she's pretty good looking..."

@pawnpaw said
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "No, ... she's pretty good looking..."