Jokes

a computer joke from my youth (a bit dusted)

The Sowjets built a new type of super-computer which can answer any question.

At the grand opening the secretary General of the Communist Party gets the honour to ask the first question.

He asks: "How does the Sowjet Union look like 30 years from now?"

The computer calculates a long time and then the reply comes: "I can't say"

The highest Computer specialist thinks of something before being sent to the Gulag: "why can't you tell?"

"It is all written in Chinese..."

Phil: I've been meditating a half hour before work every day.

Mike: Oh, really?! how's that been helping you at work?

Phil: It's made me a half hour late every day. 😛

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Atom-1 - Dang, I lost an electron.

Atom-2 - Are you sure?

Atom-1 - I'm positive!
--------------------------------- 2 for 1 day.

Neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer?"

Bartender: "For you? No charge."

@earl-of-trumps said
Atom-1 - Dang, I lost an electron.

Atom-2 - Are you sure?

Atom-1 - I'm positive!
--------------------------------- 2 for 1 day.

Neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer?"

Bartender: "For you? No charge."

@The-Gravedigger

Where do two electrons race?
On a circuit

Boss: " Hey John, I need you to work tomorrow! I know its Saturday, but we're in a fix with staff at the moment!"
John" Ok, boss, Ill be there. Im just going to be a bit late, you know, with the public transport in such a mess, you know."
Boss:' Ok thats fine, when will you be in then?"
John: " Monday morning."

A man with a frog attached to his head walks into a bar

The bartender looks up at the man with a weird and confused look on his face and asks "how did that happen?"
The man turns towards the bartender and stares into his eyes.

"Well", said the frog, "it all started with a wart on my ass".

A man checked into a Bangkok hotel and was told to ring down to reception if there was anything amiss with his room.

After inspecting it, he did ring down and spoke to the receptionist.

"The thermostat on the AC seems to be stuck and the electrical plug in the bathroom doesn't seem to work."

"I'll send someone up to take a look," said the guy at reception.

"Oh and the TV," said the new guest. "I'd like the porn disabled".

"We only have regular porn here, you creep."

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

I heard a bloke today playing Dancing Queen on his didgeridoo.

I thought, 'that's Abba-riginal.'

@Ghost-of-a-Duke

Nice, we could use a bit of humor about now!

-VR

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.

When I told my aunt she was drawing her eyebrows too high on her forehead, she looked surprised.

I walked past a dishevelled busker today.
He was playing 'Breakfast in America.'
I said that's Supertramp.
He said 'thank you very much.'