Jokes

Originally posted by @mudfinger
He has arms, fingers and a toe. He just doesn't have a neck.

Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them

So I was at this one bar one night and someone screamed, "Does anyone know CPR here!" I retorted, "Sure, I know the entire alphabet".

Everyone laughed, except this one guy...........

a blonde lady went to see the dentist...
she was listening to headphones the whole time she was checking in, and that made conversation a tad difficult...
each time she was asked to remove the headphones, she replied the same way,
"i cannot take these off, if i do, i will die..."
so she settles into the dentist's chair, and he begins the examination...
"it sure would facilitate conversation if you'll remove those headphones", the doctor advised...
"oh, i cannot, if i take them off, i will die..."
so on the course of her examination the dentist had to give her a general anesthetic...
after the lady was in a deep slumber, the doctor decided to remove the headphones...
as he did, his patient suddenly died...
panic ensues, and as the staff begins resuscitation efforts, one of the hygienists takes the headphones and listens to the audio track,

"breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there...

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb...?

One on the Debit side

One on the Credit side

And one on the ladder with Balance Outstanding

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls

What Confucius did not say:
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly...

Originally posted by @moonbus
A young and inexperienced groom, heir to a successful Chinese restaurant, takes his new bride to the honeymoon suite. Embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t quite know what to do on his wedding night, he hopes his new bride will show some initiative.

Groom: “Darling, we can do anything you want.”
Bride: “I want to try 69.”
Groom (puzzled): “69?”
Bride: ...[text shortened]... hone): “Hello mom? She wants 69. Send over an order of garlic prawns on glass noodles, for two.”

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
Hey!!! 🙁 When I had hair I was blonde.

Originally posted by @mudfinger
Now that's pretty funny GBS. Now quit while you're ahead... ;o)

Where does a polar bear keep his money?

In a snow bank.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,


'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!

A guest in a kind of hostel [where doing some housekeeping chores reduces your bill] in Koh Dach, a suburb of Phnom Penh, Cambodia, comes down to the reception area to make a few requests about the room he has just recently checked in to.

"The mini bar is empty. I'd like it filled."
"Very good, sir."
"The air conditioning doesn't seem to be working".
"Of course. We'll send our duty engineer up."
"Could I have it so that no phone calls are put through to the room until I tell you otherwise?"
"Absolutely."
"And I'd like the porn disabled."
An angry silence. And then:
"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.