Jokes

If everyone reads this symbol as "#" (pound) then what is up with the #Metoo movement?

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back I’m going to get repossessed.

Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?

What do you call a group of chess players at their annual meeting?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.


Rodney Dangerfield

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.


A. A. Milne

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.


Bill Watterson

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.


Groucho Marx

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.


Robin Williams

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.


Elayne Boosler

The Bassist Comes late to practice. The lead guitarist asks for the reason.
"I had closed my car door and forgotten the keys inside"
"You could have cared after practice"
"No the Drummer was stil inside..."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

OK, why?

To get to The idiot’s house.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The chicken.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member


I was married by a judge but I should have asked for a jury.



Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.



All people are alike except Democrats and Republicans.



Humor is reason gone mad




I've got the brain of a 4 year old, I bet he was glad to get rid of it.



Before I speak, I have something important to say.




In Hollywood, the bride keeps the bouquets and throws away the groom.

-Groucho Marx

How can you tell an American is bragging......his mouth is open.

Originally posted by @badradger
How can you tell an American is bragging......his mouth is open.