Jokes

Originally posted by @great-big-stees
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

In the same vein:
Nrew traffic rules, people above 60 might cross at "red", people over 70 have to...

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

😞

The 4 stages of life

1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause
3. You become Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause.

Patient has surgery and wakes up after surgery

Patient: WTH! You accidentally amputated my penis?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surgeon: Ma'am, you need to calm down.

You know you might be a redneck if:

Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.

No crimes are solved where you live because all of the DNA always matches and there are never any dental records left behind.

Your TV gets 512 channels but you have to go outside to use the bathroom

Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.

Your grandmother, mother, and daughter all have kids the same age

Your car burns more oil than gas

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You get home sick watching Cops.

You don't recognize several relatives when they are sober.

You come out of the bathroom and proudly announce to everyone: "Talk about your Mount Everest!" 😵

Originally posted by @whodey
You know you might be a redneck if:

Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.

No crimes are solved where you live because all of the DNA always matches and there are never any dental records left behind.

Your TV gets 512 channels but you have to go outside to use the bathroom

Your satellite dish has more square footage than ...[text shortened]... come out of the bathroom and proudly announce to everyone: "Talk about your Mount Everest!" 😵

One of my favorites along these lines is the one about how we know the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi (anywhere else and it would have been called a "teethbrush"😉 )

Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

Originally posted by @xyyz
Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

Why do we call them "apartments" when they're all so damned close together?

Originally posted by @xyyz
Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

Dunno.

It must be the same reason phonetics is not spelled phonetically?

Originally posted by @whodey
Dunno.

It must be the same reason phonetics is not spelled phonetically?

You know, when I was young I dreamed of being older, but now that I am old, I dream of being young.......

I told my niece the other day that I did not want to watch finding Nemo again for the 20th time.

She just turned to me with a frown and said, "You are just being shellfish"

So my doctor takes me aside and says that I have gall stones and kidney stones and grimaces. When I asked what's so damned funny about that he said, "Welcome to the stone age"

So this woman gets ticketed by a police officer because she parked in the wrong area. When the officer tells her what she had done, she retorted, "Sorry, I never meant to break the law", to which the officer said, "I know, I saw the Hillary bumper sticker, so I'll just give you the handy dandy Comey warning this time"

Camping:

That is when you pay a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.