Maybe this is a repeat...
A new supermarket has opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk racks, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...
A psychiatrist decided to branch out on her own, helping people with their marriages. On the first day 3 men came in to her office seeking help with their marriages.
The first man the doctor saw was told to think about his wife. The doctor listened closely to the man's heartbeat. boom... boom... boom. Then the doctor showed the man a photo of a beautiful women. Aboomba! aboomba! aboomba! went the man's racing heart. OK said the doctor take a seat over there as he then saw the second man. Exactly the same thing happened so he told him to sit down with the other man.
The doctor then saw the 3rd man. Think of your wife, she said. boom … boom … boom. When the doctor showed him a beautiful women his heart beat did the same. boom … boom … boom. Hmmmm said the doctor scratching at her chin, confused. Go and sit with the other 2 men. Aboomba! Aboomba! Aboomba!
How do you get holy water?
- You boil the hell out of it.
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent.
- The serpent didn't have a leg to stand on.
A redneck was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought his lawn mower 
but returned it a few days later. He 
complained that it wouldn’t run.
“Oh, it’ll run,” said the redneck. “But you 
have to curse at it to get it started.”
The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse word in over 30 years!”
Redneck responds, “Just keep pulling on that starter rope, the words will come back to ya".
if you have ever had to raise a teenager you know that by the time they are sixteen you just want to dump them in a barrel and leave them there ( leaving air holes of course ).
by the time they are seventeen you are plugging up the air holes.
Guy moved into a new house. Garden was really over grown with weeds etc.
He worked on it for months until it was perfect.
One day the local Pastor was passing and he said to the man you and the Lord have done a remarkable job with that garden.
The man replied you shudda seen it when the Lord had it on his own.
"The trouble with practical jokes is that, very often, they get elected."
- Will Rogers
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty."
- Theodore Roosevelt
"Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either."
- Gore Vidal
"On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing."
- Alexis de Tocqueville
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble; finding whether it exists or not; diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy."
- Ernest Benn
Jokes
21 Jun '19 21:57
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