This reminds me of a few years back in London after an all night party.
I was wandering the streets after being awake all night feeling quite strange. It was about 6:30 am, so I bought a newspaper and a can of drink and some chocolate and wandered off to the park.
After reading for a bit, I began to get cold, so started walking back to the house. On the way back I passed a church with Gospel singing booming out. Needing the warmth, I headed inside a nearly full modern church and sat near the back.
As the preacher began to spout his lies, I opened the broadsheet noisily and read with it held up in front of my face to block out my surroundings. Suddenly, I became aware that everyone else was standing up and acknowledging each other by shaking hands, saying hello, etc. I sat there and nodded politely to the old bloke next to me out of a sense of civility and continued to read the paper. The preacher was telling everyone to welcome all into the flock, and mentioned that he sensed that there were some new, stray people present who had lost their way and needed guidance. I thought this was a pretty oblique reference to myself, but continued to read, unabashed.
Eventually, they all sat down and started to listen to more pulpit pish.
Soon however, the lack of sleep, early morning exercise, fizzy drink and chocolate for breakfast took its toll: My bowels were moving - fast.
Seizing the initiative from my movement, I spotted a toilet sign on the left hand side of the chapel (more like a community centre really). It was level with the stage/pulpit and I could clearly hear the preacher's porky pies, hence they could all hear me.
Thus I began to expel one of the longest, noisiest, smelliest poos of my life; Inflicting the full audio, orefractory experience on the entire congregation.
Things could not be any more peculiar, when suddenly - my phone started to ring. At least the strains of "The Good, the bad and the ugly" may have covered the strains of my bowels for a brief moment to the relief of the audience!
It was my girlfriend (who did not go to the party) wondering how it went.
So I am sat on the bog having a poo in a church where you can hear a pin drop over the measured tones of the preacher, loudly explaining to my girlfriend whilst laughing, that "I am sat on the bog having a poo in a church where you can hear a pin drop over the measured tones of the preacher"!!!
It really was the most deliciously surreal moment of my life and made me realise how completely irreverant I was to religion and its untruths.
I urinated on a church door yesterday evening
14 Aug '05 02:28
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