Only good ones please. Not corny.
An Illinois man left the snowy streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the f*** out.
Three simple rules of survival:
1. Don’t take the name of Chuck in vain
2. When in the presence of Chuck, avert your eyes, lest you recieve a roundhouse kick to the face
3. When camping, bring toilet paper
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.
Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.
If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
Originally posted by Sargent Carpfacewell you just broke your own rule.
Only good ones please. Not corny.
An Illinois man left the snowy streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did ...[text shortened]... rything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
Originally posted by Dutch DefenseYou must hate Chuck Norris. But they are funny.
The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the f*** out.
Three simple rules of survival:
1. Don’t take the name of Chuck in vain
2. When in the presence of Chuck, avert your eyes, lest you recieve a roundhouse kick to the face
3. When campin ...[text shortened]... nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
There were three escaped convicts: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They ran to a nearby farm and hid in brown sacks. Then the polices walked into the barn. They were about to look in the first sack with the brunette, so she said "meow-meow." So they said "Oh, its just a cat."
Then they moved to the next sack with the redhead so she said, "Bark-bark." So they said "Oh, its just a dog."
So they moved on to the blond, and she said "potatoes-potatoes."
Tourists to the Channel Islands want to see nature and whales. But a few of their questions have revealed some uncertainty:
"What time does the 12 p.m. boat leave?"
"What trip do you recommend for a Girl Scout troop that doesn't like nature?"
"I'd like to go out to see the whales on August 8. Are the whales going to be out that day?"
"What's an island?"
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pathway, I nearly rode into a giant green toad.
It was big. It was green. And it was a toad.
I swerved like Starskey and Hutch out of its way, crashed into the bushes and tumbled over onto a nice, soft bed of thistles, ivy and nettles. As I dragged myself and my bicycle up off the forest floor, the giant green toad said: “Thank you sir. For not driving over me.”
I scratched my nose and said: “A talking giant green toad. How quaint. What have I been drinking?”
The toad smiled (or whatever the toady equivalent is of smiling): “No. I really am grateful. So grateful, that I’m going to grant you three wishes.”
Well, who am I to oppose such an alcohol induced offer, so I played along with the giant green toad: “Well, I wish I lived in a castle. I wish I owned a Porche 911 and I wish Drew Barrymore was lying in bed waiting for me.”
The toad smiled again and hopped away.
So, I got back on my bicycle and I had nearly forgotten the whole incident when I cycled into my street...
Well...my street and a castle with my door number on it. I was flabbergasted (which, incidentally, is a very cool word). I cycled up the pathway and in front of the door...stood a bright red Porche 911 convertible. I was flabbergasted (such a good word, I hope you don’t mind me using it twice).
And I’m not stupid. Even though IQ tests may well be inherently flawed, misused by nazi’s and pathetically inaccurate, my IQ has always been way over 90 and I put one and one together quicker than Bertrand Russel wrote the principa mathematica...I ran up the stairs...and lo and behold! There upon my bed lay the beautiful Drew Barrymore (or Drool Barrymore as I prefer to call her).
To cut a long story slightly shorter (and to miss out on the juicy details), Drool and I had hot and horny sex for hours and hours. I was obviously fantastic and she was quite good as well.
At about four in the morning I decided Drool needed a little break and I went down to the castle’s kitchen for a drink. I opened the fridge door and the whole fridge was full of ice-cold beers! I was well pleased!
So, I popped open a beer and then a voice behind me said: “Are you happy?”I swiveled around (not spilling a drop, in case you’re interested) and there stood the giant green toad.
I lifted my bottle and cheered him: “Well done Toad! This is fantastic!”
“I’m glad you’re happy.” He smiled. “But can I ask you one little favour.”
“Anything...anything you want Toad!” I was rather joyous.
“Would you give me a hug? Nobody ever hugs a toad.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green. He was a toad and he was all slimy. A slimy green giant toad. But he did give me a Porche 911...convertible. So, I grabbed his slimy cold body and gave him a nice big hug.
As I sipped my beer the giant green toad asked: “Can I ask you another favour?”
“Anything. Anything you want toad!” I was reasonably joyous.
“I’d like a kiss. I’ve not had a snog for ages.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green, slimy and he had warts all over his face and body. A giant, warty, slimy green toad. But he did give me a castle.
So, I wrapped my arms around his bum, planted my lips on his (or whatever the toady equivalent is of lips), stuck my tongue in his facial cavity and gave him some tongue.
After the kiss, as I was sipping some more beer, the giant green toad asked: “Could you do me one more favour please?” “Well....” I wasn’t really all that joyous anymore.
The giant green toad looked at me with big puppy eyes...
“Okay.” I said. “Anything you want!”
“Would you give me a good shagging please? I’ve never done that before.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green, slimy and his warts were leaking pus all over the place. Giant warts dripping with yellowish goo. But he did give me Drool Barrymore. What could I do?
I stepped behind him, bent him forward and started having sex with him.
As I was shagging, right in front of my eyes, he slowly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!!
Originally posted by shavixmirHahahaha LOL that's really good one! 😵😀😀😀😀😵
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pathway, I nearly rode into a gian ...[text shortened]... ly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!!
(edit: rec'd 🙂)
On the way to the shops this morning, I rear-ended a car.
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, the poor unfortunate.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said
"I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Originally posted by GoatboysrevengeNot bad, but its tough to follow Shav
On the way to the shops this morning, I rear-ended a car.
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, the poor unfortunate.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said
"I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Yea, maybe this'll fare better: (and no, I don't have anything against dwarves before anyone starts, it just so happens this is another dwarf related joke...)
The seven dwarfs are on holiday in Italy, and while there they get an invitation for an audience with none other than the Pope himself.
The big day comes, and all the seven dwarves are understandably nervous, but nevertheless they all enter the Vatican and are shown through to the Pope's private chambers for the meeting.
'My children' says the pope after they have been itroduced, 'Do any of you have any questions you would like to ask me?'
They all stand there in silence, until Dopey pipes up 'Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?'
The Pope thinks awhile, then replies 'no my child, there are not.' and all the other dwarves start sniggering.
Dopey again asks 'Father, are there any dwarf nuns in italy?'
Again, the Pontiff replies in the negative, and the other dwarves snigger, but louder this time.
For a 3rd time, Dopey asks 'Father, are there any dwarf nuns in the world?'
Once again, the Holy Father replies no, now slightly perplexed by the line of questioning.
At this, all the other dwarves start laughing hysterically, and start singing 'Dopey sh*gged a Penguin! Dopey sh*gged a Penguin!'